Along with a family comes the constant pressure to make memories. There are many memories you can create, but not all memories are created equal. There’s the first time gazing at your new baby, and the first time your new puppy vomited on your carpet. There’s the moment you first locked eyes with your spouse, and the time you watched him unclog the toilet for the third time in a week. Memories are life’s souvenirs, and we go to great lengths to create them, inventing all sorts of rituals and customs to help achieve this goal.
Take apple picking, for example. When people say that North Americans have no culture, I would gently point out that we do, and sometimes it involves dragging ass to an orchard, wearing flannel and going home with an ungodly amount of hand fruit.
No sane person would do this when you could easily leave the kids at home and frolic to the shops by your lonesome, picking just the right amount of apples to last you through the week. Yet we do, and all in the name of memories!
Let’s bundle up the kids and gently twist these orbs off the tree, doing it ourselves as our ancestors intended. Let’s say “fuck it” to a reasonable amount of apples, and instead bring home enough apples to build an apple castle and stock it with little apple people.
Except we don’t do this. Instead, we stare at those apples and wrack our brains as to whether we can stuff an apple or three in every recipe we’ll make for the next 3 months. We make apple pie and apple crumble. We send apples to school and we give apples to friends. We let them rot on the counter, and we fashion them into weapons as we await the fall of civilization. Memories.
However, despite how strange the ritual is, it is our ritual, and we perform it like good little families. We make sure to get our hair in beachy waves and our kids in spotless boots, and we take the photo and post it to Instagram, thus completing the Harvest circle.
Here’s What The Funny People Of Twitter Had To Say About The Very Basic Autumn Custom Of Apple Picking!
1. It’s not for everyone
Wife: We should take the kids apple picking.
Me: Sure. Let me just do this first. [fakes my own death]
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 7, 2019
2. You better have a LOT of recipes
Approximately 22% of parents on Sunday nights in October are looking at their counters wondering what the hell are they going to do with 3 dozen apples.
— Janina Maria (@dontlosethekids) October 6, 2019
3. Seriously – A LOT
We took the kids apple picking this weekend so I really hope they like applesauce, apple pie, apple butter, apple cereal, apple bacon, apple steaks, apple milk, apple pizza, apple soup, apple tacos, apple pasta, and apple toothpaste.
— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) October 7, 2019
4. You know this one, moms?
Which horror movie is it in an apple orchard when the woman’s with her family & the kids are fighting & the camera zooms in on the woman’s face as she finally snaps & oh wait are we filming
— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) October 7, 2018
5. I hope the next level is just staying home
We're taking our kids to an apple orchard this fall because it's a required objective to get past this level of parenthood.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 6, 2016
6. There’s also more counter space
ME: *Sets small shopping bag on table*
HUBS: I thought you went apple picking?
M: *Empties contents*
H: That’s an iPhone and a watch.
M: I picked two Apples.
M: Trust me, it cost less than going to an orchard.
— Megan Rikas (@MegsHAUSTED) October 8, 2019
7. First you pick them, then you shun them
3: I want a snnaackk
Me: have an apple
3: I don't want an apple
Me: but you picked 10 lbs of them this weekend
3: YUCK I DON'T LIKE THEM
— Janina Maria (@dontlosethekids) October 11, 2017
8. FOR THE ‘GRAM THAT’S WHY
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 21, 2019
9. And if he doesn’t get a good shot then he’s dead to me
Can't wait to go apple picking this weekend so I can spend 2 hours forcing my boyfriend to take pictures of me laughing near trees
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) October 6, 2019
10. How about them apples?
If you ever feel bad about yourself just know my friend asked a girl to go apple picking & her response was “i already have apples at home sorry”
— Alex Bino (@alex_bino98) October 7, 2019
11. Sounds like Fall Fever if you ask me
Saturday, I was obsessively talking about apple picking. I wouldn't shutup about it – brought it up in random conversations with friends that had nothing to do with apples. I was insane. Googling farms, sending links to people. begging, begging anyone to listen to me about apples
— chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) September 30, 2019
So the next time you’re feeling kind of dull and seasonally deprived, simply pick up your family, bundle them up in blanket scarves and puffy parka vests, get your phone charged up, and pick enough apples to choke a whole pack of horses. And don’t forget to use #blessed and #memories when you post on social media!