1. “Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.” -Ed Asner

2. “It’s so awful, attacking your child. It’s the worst thing I know, to shout loudly at this 50 lb being with his huge trusting brown eyes. It’s like bitch-slapping E.T.” -Anne Lamott, Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith

3. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” -Phyllis Diller

4. “All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with white carpet is one of them.” -Erma Bombeck

5. “If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.” -George Carlin

6. “The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.” -Dorothy Parker

7. “No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.” -Bill Cosby

8. “We spend the first 12 months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.” -Phyllis Diller

9. “When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.” -Erma Bombeck

10. “(24/7) once you sign on to be a mother, that’s the only shift they offer.” -Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper

11. “Before I got married I had six theories about raising children. Now I have six children and no theories.” -John Wilmot