By Kathryn Higgins
When the mundane hits the surreal, it’s usually time to get up and pee. If only you could wake up. These common dreams are the stuff of nightmares.
1. Math Test – you are sitting in a classroom taking a test. It’s really hard, you think. Lots of time has gone by and you haven’t looked at a single problem. Everyone else is finishing up and turning in calculation-crammed bluebooks. Then you realize you neglected to take the test. In your dream, which should be over by now, you arrange with the teacher to stay after and finish. You discard all the paperwork you had been assembling – random shit that has nothing to do with this test – and start anew. Your brain is finally confronted with something you can’t even define: an actual math problem. Mickey Mouse and analogies ignite in your head and you finally wake up.
2. Getting Married to Your Ex-Boyfriend That You Didn’t Like – You should be so excited; it’s a dream come true – but you are meh. You endure bridal showers and a wedding and even put in some grueling hours in actual everyday marriage. Finally you wake up – whew.
3. Cleaning the Apartment – You forgot that dusty place there, no, get in there further with your Swifter. WTF, it’s still dusty? Try again. And don’t forget you still have to vacuum the whole place. You wake up . . . this was a dream? You have a terrific imagination. . . . Not. Now you really do have to clean your apartment.
4. Friends’ Heads on Sticks – You don’t mind the occasional Rambo dream, even a dystopian nightmare is welcome, especially if it involves shooting and clubbing evildoers like your ex-husband. But when the unconscious mixes your book club up with vengeful slaughter, it’s sorta uncomfortable.
5. Balancing Your Checkbook/Paying Bills – Probably the most exciting dream. The pulse races and you wake up sweaty. Then the kids demand new smartphones and you need to pay for wonderful things like dry-cleaning and diarrhea medication . . . the credit cards accumulate more debt and your dreams become even more exciting.
6. Thank You Note — You are having a really hard time establishing the right combo of sincerity and creativity. It’s such a cliché. You write and write but still haven’t finished this thank you note. What were you thanking them for?
7. Going to the Toilet in the Middle of Wal-Mart – You have to pee but you’re in Wal-Mart. Thankfully, there is a toilet right there in the middle of that aisle. You drop your pants but no relief. Something is amiss. Oh, you’re in front of the whole world, sitting on the toilet! Why don’t you ever have that horrifying going-to-the-toilet-in-front-of-everyone dream in Bergdorf’s?
8. Nothing on TV – you’ve got the remote and you’re changing channels, changing channels, but all you see are commercials for chicken nuggets and car insurance. You finally find a show, but it’s Keeping Up with the Kardashians. The horror!
9. Sex with the Ex – Ewwww, you thought somehow you’d never have to endure this again. It’s humiliating and boring – why are you doing this?
10. Something Important Is Missing – You’re living your life and doing stuff, but there’s a vacant hole in your chest. Something’s wrong but you can’t figure it out – there’s just this overwhelming feeling of bereftness (bereftitude?). You wake up – your children (lover/dog/television) didn’t exist in your dream world.
Wake up wake up wake uuuuuuuup.
*********
About the Author