10 Ways I Am EXACTLY Like Kim Kardashian & You Might Be Too
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10 Ways I Am EXACTLY Like Kim Kardashian & You Might Be Too

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I know what you’re thinking. How could a MOM blogger resemble Kim Kardashian in the least? I understand. I would probably pose the same question if I didn’t know better. And by better, I mean know that I’m not talking about looks here. I’m actually the complete opposite of Kim K., physically.

I’m blonde, blue eyed, fair skinned with freckles, and a bit squishier than she. But let’s get back to why we are exactly the same, shall we?

I’ll start from the top.

10. We both gave birth vaginally.

OK, I know this might seem like a bit of a stretch (pun totally intended) and a little TMI, but there’s a reason why I am SO pleased we share this similarity. I can’t help but get a tinge of gratification knowing that Kim Kardashian West no longer has her “intact” vagina. Let’s assume she had a “pretty” vagina prior to baby. Some of you may have actually seen it before on a homemade video she made years back. You tell me. Now I’m just happy at the thought and assumption that her “vagine” is just a little less pretty these days. Is that so wrong?

9: We OBSESS over going to the gym.

Although our obsessions are slightly over different aspects of the gym, we still obsess, nonetheless. She’s obsessing over whether or not to pull another two-a-day while wearing her gut suffocating waist trainer and I’m obsessing over the fact that it’s looking like I won’t be making it to the gym until 2016. I’m super busy. Yes, busier then Kim K., I’m sure.

10 Ways I Am EXACTLY Like Kim Kardashian & You Might Be Too

8: We love In-N-Out.

I don’t care what you think of Kimmy, anyone can bond if they love the same burger joint. A-N-Y-O-N-E! That is unless you eat “organic.” I, on the other hand, eat “authentic.” Authentic In-N-Out. Who’s with me?

10 Ways I Am EXACTLY Like Kim Kardashian & You Might Be Too

7: We are both UGLY when we cry.

I never thought Kim could actually look unattractive, but boy was I WRONG! Have you seen her cry? She gives the “ugly cry” literal definition. I actually think she might be uglier than I when she cries. My “ugly” is mild to moderate. I become blotchy, my nose runs, my eyes are bloodshot red. I’m not cute. But Kim’s ugly is moderate to severe. She curls her face up into a painful looking display. She looks as though tarantulas are eating her eyes while her false lashes bleed black streaks down her cheeks. And for some reason she insists on trying to talk during her ugly cry, which no one can understand because her lips are curled up along with the rest of her face. It’s quite sad. But we’re BOTH ugly, and that’s what matters here.

6: We both have dark roots.

Kim goes through dozens of hairstyle changes throughout each year, but nothing will change her dark roots. Even when she decided to become a platinum blonde ice queen for a week, those roots were goin’ nowhere. But she generally keeps her roots and the rest of her hair dark by choice. I, on the other hand, do not have dark roots by choice, but more so by insufficient funds and insufficient time. It’s a real struggle that Kim and I share — the roots, not the funds, of course.

10 Ways I Am EXACTLY Like Kim Kardashian & You Might Be Too

5: We both love ugly pajamas.

I don’t know what it is about old, ugly pajamas, but I’ve got a thing for ‘em! And so does Kim! Maybe not the old part, and I’m not really sure what her definition of “ugly” is, but I’ve heard her say that she loves them. I’m envisioning her definition to be something along the lines of a pair of Louis Vuitton sweats mismatching with an ugly Hermes patterned t-shirt. Mine have holes in the seams and crotch and have probably been around since 1992, but hey, ugly is ugly, right?

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4: We both had postpartum fear of the outside world.

After having my children, the last thing I wanted to do was leave my home. I wanted to stay put, keep the kids contained, and not deal with the chaos of the outside world. But shit, someone had to buy the food, and diapers. Mrs. Kardashian West didn’t want to leave the house either, and that lucky bitch didn’t have to. She sent her assistants to do the shopping, and her nannies to watch the baby while she worked on her fitness. She made her grand debut about 3-months postpartum while I made mine after 3 days, as a swollen penguin waddling down aisle 6 at Target. It was epic.

3: We both have psoriasis.

Psoriasis has only plagued me when my hormones are in transition, like during pregnancy, after pregnancy while breastfeeding, and then after weaning a breastfed baby, so basically all of my 20s. When my hormones become out of control, it tends to show in my outbreaks. But Kim seems to have a pretty severe case of it, and it also comes and goes. I mean, hello!!! TWINSIES!!!!! She’s got a bad case, I’ve got a mild case….WE’VE got a case, people! I can’t help but think it’s her karma for being so disgustingly beautiful. We all have to pay for it somewhere, right? I’ve got the freckles, love handles, and pasty fair skin. She’s got some psoriasis. Sounds pretty fair.

10 Ways I Am EXACTLY Like Kim Kardashian & You Might Be Too

2: We both have a blog.

OK, so her blog has turned into a legitimate, profitable business where she sells her products and her sex appeal, but it wasn’t always so successful, and that makes us alike. My lil’ ole blog is lucky to see as much traffic as Kim gets in the first 3 seconds of an Instagram pic, but that’s neither here nor there. We’ve all got to start somewhere, right? We’re the same, damn it! The SAME!

1: We are both social media whores.

I am a writer (ahem, blogger) and I am VERY committed to it. I have NO SHAME and will do whatever I can for exposure and likes. Sound familiar? Uh huh, I thought so. Not too long ago I was asked to “Host the Post” for another blog. I was so committed (read: desperate) to get my name out there, I ran out of my graduate class and into the computer lab to HOST THE POST since I couldn’t do so from my phone. You could say Kim would do the same. She loves exposure. The bitch is EVERYWHERE! She will go to any length for the mainstream, with clothes or without. She’s committed, damn it! Just like me!

10 Ways I Am EXACTLY Like Kim Kardashian & You Might Be Too

Again, TWINSIES! How about you?