10 Things You MUST Say to Your Children

10 Things You MUST Say To Your Children

By Melissa Coble of An Unfit Parent

After reading an article today about the 10 Things You Should Never Say to Your Kids, all I could think to myself was, “Wow! That’s way too hard to remember. It would be so much easier if someone would just tell me what I am supposed to say in order to get the results I want.”

Then I realized that someone might just be me, but rather than keep all this valuable information to myself, I have decided to share it with all of you. After doing extensive research, I have determined that the following statements are the ones you need to memorize in order to get your kids to respond they way you would like:

1) “STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!” The first thing you need to know is that you will never, ever, ever be taken seriously unless you repeat something at least three times and are yelling. Do them all at once from the get-go and save yourself some time.

2) “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?” There is something wrong with everyone. You are doing them a favor by pointing it out early and often. It will save you a small fortune in therapy bills later if they get used to the idea that there is something wrong, it’s their fault, and they need to spend some time thinking about it.

3) “WAIT UNTIL YOUR FATHER GETS HOME!” Why? No real reason. We all know he won’t do anything useful when he gets there, but it gets them out of your hair for a while as they contemplate what a real dad might do. Remember, we are all about results here.

4) “I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” This is the response you should give when you are busy and they are trying to ask for food, water, or anything that will distract you from whatever website you are surfing.

5) “WHY AREN’T YOU MORE LIKE YOUR SISTER?” Or brother if need be. There is always a child who behaves better than the others. Nothing wrong with giving them something to strive for.

6) “STOP CRYING!” This is totally legit. Why are they crying? And why won’t they stop? It is so annoying. I mean, who really cares if Dora the Explorer isn’t on right now? No one. That’s who.

7) “YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL!” This should be repeated a lot. They aren’t special, and you will be doing society and their teachers a favor if you can get them to understand this before kindergarten — second grade at the latest. Really, if everyone is special, then no one is actually special. Drill it into their heads.

8) “WHY DID I EVER HAVE KIDS?” It is good if they think that having children is a terrible choice that is full of regret. You have to counteract all this Teen Mom crap they see on TV. No one wants to be a grandmother at 32.

9) “TRY HARDER!” This is your fallback statement. Everyone needs to try harder all the time, and children are no exception. Think of all the benefits you will reap when they are teenagers and already know they need to try harder.

10) “BECAUSE I SAID SO!” Listen, all that hippie-dippy, question-authority shit went out the window when you had kids. The last thing you want is some little brat questioning your authority all damn day long. Do you want some 15 or 17-year-old questioning you? No. No, you don’t. Besides, why should you have to try to explain yourself to someone who can’t even use a toilet?

Stick with this list and you are guaranteed to get the results you are looking for. Take charge of your parenting and you will all be that much better for it.


About the Author

Melissa Coble is a mom living in Phoenix, Arizona just trying to survive the teenage years with a lot of laughs, an occasional rant, and copious amounts of wine. You can find her counting the days until her nest is empty on her blog An Unfit Parent and on Facebook.