By Liz Bolton
People love to tell new parents that their lives are about to change—in the most passive-aggressive language possible.
“Say goodbye to sex, buddy,” “Hope you got plenty of sleep before the baby came,” and “I guess you won’t be going on vacation anytime soon,” are the tip of the iceberg.
You’re on your own with sex and sleep, but when it comes to travel, you’ve got plenty of good reasons to bite the bullet. Herewith, ten rock-solid reasons to take your 18-month-old toddler on a 20-hour flight to Australia:
1. Due to the gnarly time difference, it’s always either nighttime where you’re going or nighttime where you’ve just come from. Which means no one can judge you for drinking wine for the entire duration of the flight.
2. If you would like some of the aforementioned wine, you merely have to press a button and it will be brought to you. This also holds true for chocolate, coffee, ice cream, and all manner of other delicious things. If only this could happen at home.
3. You have carte blanche to feed your toddler anything that will keep her from tearing apart the in-flight magazine. Never had processed sugar before? Welcome to the rest of your sweet, sweet life, my young friend.
4. On second thought, screw it: let your toddler tear apart the in-flight magazine. You paid for that shit anyway.
5. You don’t have to cook for an entire day. And the food on Qantas is pretty delicious. Notable exception: that fried egg. It has never seen the inside of a chicken.
6. If your toddler wakes up in the middle of the night (see number 1: it’s always the middle of the night) there are lots of interesting things to keep her occupied, like licking the window shade, turning the overhead light off and on ad infinitum, and attempting to open the emergency exit (which, for the record, may be behind you.)
7. When another toddler on the flight throws a fit, you can make a big point of it not being your toddler that’s throwing a fit. (“See, Olivia? That baby doesn’t understand that he can’t pour pretzels on the floor. I’m glad you’re so reasonable.”)
8. When your toddler throws a fit, you can make a big point of forcing your husband to take her. (“HERE.”)
9. International flight attendants are young and pretty. It’s important that your toddler see women who look like this, so that you can tell her, “I used to be like that, too.”
10. When you get home from your trip, everyone will be super impressed with you and think you’re a badass. They never have to know how many times your toddler poured full glasses of water on her neighbor, or that you locked yourself in the airplane bathroom three different times to cry.
Bon voyage, mate!
*****
About the Author
Liz Bolton is a comedian who hails from Brooklyn. Before she had a child, Liz never felt guilty about the tantrums or eye rolls she may have inflicted on her parents; now she does. She lives in Los Angeles with her husband, daughter, and seven hundred stuffed animals.