You have kids AND a clean car? Are you from this planet?
Humor Parenting

10 Paradoxes of Parenting

You have kids AND a clean car? Are you from this planet?

By Christine Organ of christineorgan.com

I went into parenthood knowing nothing – though before having kids, I sure felt like I knew everything. Little did I know just how little I knew.

Over time I did learn a few things. I think. I learned how to feed a newborn while simultaneously buttering toast or helping a preschooler into his pajamas. And how to lie to evade my kids’ pleas every year for an Elf on the Shelf. I figured a few things out, too. For instance, I figured out if my kids go to bed three hours past their bedtime, they will wake up exactly 5 minutes and 42 seconds later than usual.

But there are still some things that continue to befuddle me.

1. The phrase “parenting expert.” Is this a satirical oxymoron? Or do these people actually exist? I can only assume that someone who is a “parenting expert” is someone who doesn’t actually have kids because the minute you become a parent, you realize that you are not only not an expert, but also you have no freaking idea what you’re doing.

2. People with clean cars. Where do you hide all the fruit snack wrappers and empty juice bags? Where are the empty water bottles and discarded Happy Meal toys? Where are the used Kleenexes and preschool projects that didn’t make into the house?

3. Why my kids can’t hear me when I’m screaming “GET YOUR SHOES ON! IT’S TIME TO GO!” but they can hear me digging into their Halloween candy from two rooms away. I can’t figure this one out, but I have upped my stealthy candy-opening game.

4. How I can forget what I was going to write for #4 before my fingers could type it out. Seriously. What was I going to write? It’s on the tip of my tongue.

5. Non-coffee drinkers. Seriously, how do you get through the morning? How?

6. People who have their holiday shopping done before December. I don’t understand you. But can I send you to the store with a list of mine?

7. Why we still refer to moms as “working moms” or “SAHMs,” but dads are just dads. This is 2015, right?

8. Adults who use words like “yummers” or “totes” or “sitch.” I don’t even know where to start with this one.

9. How I can have pimples and wrinkles at the same time. The cruel irony of it is beyond comprehension.

10. The noise. For the love of god, the noise! How can two little creatures produce so much noise? And I’m pretty sure some of it is on a decibel level that only my dogs can hear.

*****

About the Author

Christine Organ is the author of “Open Boxes: the gifts of living a full and connected life.” Her work has been published on The New York Times, the Washington Post, Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, Mamalode, BonBon Break, and Brain, Child. She writes at www.christineorgan.com.