By Samantha Wassel of Between the Monkey Bars
Are you a mom or planning to become one? Do you have the internet? How about a TV? In-laws? Eyes? Ears? A pulse?
If so, you probably know that no one, anywhere, has anything to say about how you’re choosing to raise your kids. The world is content to just let you do your thang, Mama.
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Okay, so the only way you could possibly believe that is if you’re a complete idiot.
Speaking of idiots, do you want your kid to be one? Everyone seems to have an opinion on the seemingly bajillion different ways your parenting choices can screw up your kid’s brain. (And, in conjunction, his future Ivy League prospects, because if you can’t put a Proud Harvard Parent bumper sticker on your car in 20 years, what’s the point?)
If you’re like me, you’ve probably had a lot of these unsolicited opinions shoved down your throat the same way a spoonful of non-organic rice cereal is shoved down a baby’s throat before he hits the four-month mark. (GASP! Where do I even begin on all that is wrong with that analogy?)
But just in case you haven’t been as fortunate as I have, I’ll give you the Cliffs Notes. Here are 10 guaranteed ways to make sure your kid grows up to be really
stooped stupid. (Pardon me; I was a formula baby.)
1. Give in to your pregnancy cravings. Hoping to screw up your kid’s brain chemistry? Go ahead and eat that Oreo. Or that Arby’s roast beef sandwich. Or really anything that doesn’t have quinoa or seaweed listed as one of the first ingredients. All of that non-organic crap is toxic and will go straight to your baby’s developing brain.
You could also opt to just microwave all your food. I’m pretty sure someone once told me that microwaves expose food to super high levels of radiation. You might end up giving birth to, like, SPIDERMAN! Or, at the very least, his really stupid twin brother.[adsanity id=”35667″ align=”aligncenter”/]
2. Plan to have an epidural. Studies show that 28.4% of epidural needles actually bypass the mother’s spine and inadvertently end up in the baby’s brain, where it SUCKS OUT ESSENTIAL BRAIN TISSUE.*
*I totally made this shit up.
I mean, seriously, the only way you could possibly be stupid enough to get an epidural is if your mom had one when she gave birth to you.
After Baby Is Born:
3. Formula feed. Similac? More like Sim-a-CRACK. Everyone knows that shit is poison. I’m fairly certain I read somewhere online that it’s designed to bypass the digestive system and go straight to the brain. Once there, it binds with gray matter, undergoing a chemical process (since it’s made of 100% chemicals) that, like, MELTS it.
And then babies poop it out. YES, THEY ACTUALLY POOP OUT THEIR BRAINS.
Or something like that. #formulabreedszombies
4. Use disposable diapers. If you don’t think the formula will expose your kid’s brain to enough toxic chemicals to destroy it, pair it with disposable diapers. Apparently, diapers that aren’t hand-sewn from bamboo that’s been harvested by direct descendants of Gandhi are chock full of them.
Now, when your baby’s formula-toxified brain shit exits his disposable-diaper-covered butt, it’ll be instantly hit by more chemicals. This will cause an explosion so absolutely toxic, even YOUR brain will disintegrate a bit when you change him.
And then you can be mindless idiots together.
As Your Kid Grows Up:
5. Don’t send him to preschool. If your child doesn’t start kindergarten with an academic edge, he’s destined for failure. What’s that? He knows his ABCs, how to count to ten, and can correctly label basic colors? That’s not good enough. By his first day of kindergarten, he should be able to say his ABCs in Mandarin Chinese; recite pi to at least 1000 decimal places; and differentiate between turquoise, cerulean, and aquamarine.
Otherwise, you might as well buy him a toy cash register and start his McDonald’s training. No, not training to work there. You have to be competent to do that. I’m talking about preparing him for the inevitable life he’ll be leading in 20 years, living alone in your basement off of stale French fries and pushing a button to make the toy cash register *ding* whenever he needs something.
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6. Let him eat McDonald’s (or any fast food). Just in case his body wasn’t exposed to enough toxic chemicals from the pregnancy Ding Dongs, formula, and disposable diapers.
Happy Meals are called such because they’ve been knows to obliterate brain cells, putting a permanent, vacant grin on the faces of children everywhere. Obese children. Because obviously.
7. Let him watch cartoons for more than 30 minutes a day. He’ll be mindlessly hot-dog-dancing his way around the living room like that mutant lobotomized mouse in no time.
8. Be a “helicopter” mom. Hover too closely, and the part of your kid’s brain that’s responsible for learning basic tasks will never develop properly. Thirty years from now, he’ll probably be interrupting a business meeting, asking his boss to accompany him to the potty for butt-wiping assistance.
9. Be a “free-range” mom. Until I became a mother, I had only heard the term “free-range” applied to chickens. So, yeah, I guess if you want your kid to be a bird brain, you should do whatever this entails.[adsanity id=”35666″ align=”aligncenter”/]
10. Allow your parenting to be influenced by bogus, sanctimonious, unsolicited advice (online or off it). Because that’s just really stupid.
About the Author
Samantha Wassel is a Stay-At-Home Mama to the cutest twin toddlers in the history of all Toddlerdom. When she’s not running her borderline-offensive mouth, she’s running masochistically long distances, often with the aforementioned toddlers in tow. She enjoys reading, writing, baking, marathoning, complaining, photographing, playgrounding, and Ghirardelli Midnight Reverie chocolate bars. Her writing has been featured on Scary Mommy, The Mid, In the Powder Room, Bluntmoms, and Mamalode. Follow her on Facebook and check out her personal blog, Between the Monkey Bars.