By Rita Davis of Girl Scout Flunky
One evening when I was about eight years old, my dad got up from the dinner table, went to his bedroom and emerged with his belt. My middle brother and I gasped in horror as we thought the worst. He then went over to my youngest brother and literally belted him in his chair and created a booster seat for a 4 ½ year old.
We couldn’t even get through a meal without my brother falling on the floor laughing, making stupid noises, or all of us kids making milk come out of our noses. My parents lost their shit and were trying to put an end to the disruptive dinner. One minute of silence went by, then I whispered, “Undies,” and it was all over. My brothers and I exploded with laughter and doubled over in hysterics.
Maybe it is biological, but my kids are no different. Dinner time is ridiculous. It is an open invitation for my kids to act like total buffoons, work on their stand-up routine, and talk about the most erroneous and disgusting stuff. I will admit many questions and topics are very age-appropriate and clever in nature; some consultations with Google are even necessary to answer accordingly. However, most conversations are of the John Belushi, “I’m a zit!” variety and make my husband and I want to shut down dinner in under a minute. For example:
1. Random Questions
How did they make a bath tub?
Why is it called a funeral home?
Have you been to prison? Is it nice?
Why do we have toes?
Why do you drink wine at dinner?
Are you allergic to nuts? Is Grandma allergic to nuts? Is Uncle Aaron allergic to nuts? What kinds of nuts?
Why does trash smell?
When can I get deodorant?
Do you have super hero underwear? Who is on your butt?
2. Creatures
What is your favorite spider?
Do you like sharks?
What is your favorite dinosaur? Diplodocus is good.
Do you think Carnotaurus liked bacon?
I like dogs, not cats.
I like kittens, not birds.
Moths scare me.
Flies scare me.
Bees are mean.
Red ants are mean. Black ants are nice.
Did ants go down Uncle Colin’s pants? Did they see his penis?
Why is it called a lightning bug and not lightning butt?
3. Bad Jokes
Mr. Peabody?!! Pee-body?!!!! You said “pee” and “body!”
Knock-Knock
Who’s There?
Underwear!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he wanted to.
How do you spell fart?
Pfffffffttttttt…..
4. Singing
I’m gonna kick the beat down. Down the floor. So I can see your nuts down. All down.
I have the beat in my head. I’m going to keep it in my head till I hit it on the ground.
You held me down, but I got up. All about that stuff. I see it all. I see it all. You’re gonna hear me Rrrooooooaaaaarrrr.
Let’s go to the beach, beach. We’re gonna play. It’s like a starship in the sky. We were meant to fly. Fly, fly, fly us around. Like a plane. In the sky.
It is gonna make me move it. Riiiggghhhtt now. Move it fast. Move it, Moon it.
It’s a beautiful day, to make your smile come true, gonna spin you around, spin you round’ till you puke.
My hair is long and I can dance all night, sing all day, make the pictures fade away. Let me go. Let me gooooooooooo….
5. Body
I slurp my snot from my nose all the time. It doesn’t taste like anything.
Babies don’t come out of my penis, just yours.
Did you know pee is yellow?
Poop is brown, but it can be green too.
Farts feel good.
Sometimes my boogers taste like cereal. I wipe them on the couch over there.
My nose smells chocolate and I know it’s right.
My tummy is so full, it is ready for dessert.
Is your tongue spicy? Mine is.
I went to the bathroom three times today. Two pee and one poop.
I smell like butter.
My teeth are so tired from chewing. They need a break.
My toes are short.
6. Smack Talk
You are fumbs down.
You go to jail mommy. Go there now.
I’m so mad I could spit fire at you.
I’m flipping cold hot furious.
I hate the way you eat noodles!
Your breath smells like troll butts.
7. Food
Do I need to eat all of my carrots? Or just some? One? What if I lick one, and touch the other? Does that count? Chewing counts.
I ate one bean, one raisin, and one bite of chicken. I think I need the cookie now.
I ate a banana with peanut butter for breakfast yesterday. I don’t need one today.
Chocolate milk is healthy for you. The cows say so.
This looks like the letter C.
This looks like a snake.
Can we please get Culver’s?
Can we please get Culver’s?
8. School
I ate hot lunch, had recess, and rest time. I nailed it.
We colored. And made projects with noodles. And pudding.
Sharks are big fish that live in Lake Michigan. No, I’m not lying.
It was the usual, ya know. Centers and specials. Calendar time again.
Toilet tag is the best.
I read, like, 10,000 books during rest time.
We had popsicles and popcorn today. Snack time is super cool.
9. Absolute randomness
God has macaroni and cheese hair.
God is a girl and a boy. He is magical.
Do you eat food in heaven? I hope so. I want cake all the time.
I want weapons. Lots of them. Plus, my baton that has all the sparkles on it.
I am trying to fly. But my shirts aren’t working. I need real wings.
I have a huge head.
Cheeseburger, Cheeseburger, Cheeseburger.
I just can’t handle it. This pancake is soooo big. I just can’t handle it.
It is warm out today! (It is 45 degrees.)
I don’t even know how I got these dance moves, I just did. They are ah-mazing.
Do I look gorgeous? I do. I really do.
I need my spring mittens. And my spring hat.
I want to be an adult tomorrow. So I can drive. Can you make me breakfast now?
Mommy, I love your haircut. You look like Gru!
Dad, you look like a Christmas tree!
I am a prince. You are the queen. But, I am in charge.
10. The Play-by-Play
I just burped, so I said “excuse me.”
She touched my fork.
He didn’t eat his apples.
He threw his vitamins in the crayon box.
I did drink all of it. I did! I swear!
I just spilled a little.
I don’t need help!
Two more minutes. Just two more minutes.
She has two strawberries and I have three strawberries. Hrmph.
I did like it yesterday, but not today. I’ll share with you.
What are you eating? Is it something good?
I wanted the pink plate, not the blue plate!
He just spit all his lemonade out on his plate.
My plate is a swimming pool Mom!
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About Rita Davis
I am an educator and writer living in the frozen tundra of Wisconsin. I have been published in Akashic’s “Terrible Twosdays,” Mamalode, Scary Mommy, and Great Moments in Parenting. You can find me at: Girl Scount Flunky, on Twitter @girlscoutflunky and Facebook.
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