Helen Back, 32-year-old mother to Olive, had been pinning ideas for her daughter’s first birthday party since she first found out she was pregnant.

“I think we might have slightly overdone it, to be honest,” said Helen. “We had decorations, tons of food, two cakes (one just for smashing), a bouncy house, pony rides, a water slide, laser tag, face painting, and a balloon maker. We had to take out a second mortgage, actually.”

“We just really wanted it to be special,” added Helen. “And, of course, I didn’t want my friends from our moms’ group to think I was slacking. They’ve already been giving me the side-eye since I stopped breastfeeding 6 months ago.”

“Oh my goodness, did she say that? We would NEVER judge someone for not breastfeeding. Not everyone can commit to making that kind of sacrifice long-term,” said the head of their local mom group, Anita Lay.

“I mean, I’m still nursing because of the nutritional benefits, and Buddy is going off to college next fall. But not everyone loves their kid as much as I do.”

But 1-year-old Olive was less than impressed with her Pinterest-friendly party.

“It’s not that I don’t appreciate all their effort,” said Olive. “I just think it was a bit much considering I won’t even remember any of this happened by this time next year.”

“It looked stunning and everyone had a good time, but my hair has barely come in yet. I just think their money could have been better spent. A college savings fund, perhaps? I’m not saying I’ll definitely get into an ivy league school, but I’d like it to be in the realm of possibilities, you know?” added Olive.

When asked if there was any part of her first birthday she really enjoyed, Olive didn’t hesitate.

“I got to try refined sugar for the first time,” she smiled. “That stuff is better than crack cocaine.”