People everywhere are trying desperately to maintain their New Year’s resolutions before abandoning them entirely come February 1, including Morgan Jane Gibbs, who posted this picture of some raw chicken fingers to her Facebook page with the following description:

Just made chicken medium rare chicken strips. They’re so good can’t believe ive neever tried it like this before. Can’t wait to dig into this with my homemade salad and veges.
#healthy#newyearsresolution#clean#cleaneating

I suppose contracting a raging salmonella infection is one way to keep your resolution to lose weight this year. I mean, if there’s anything more effective than peeing out your butthole for a week straight, I have yet to come across it.

People were understandably alarmed at her post, commenting with things like:

Wait. Wait. No.

RIP

I like my chicken with less salmonella.

Worse than Taco Bell.

Jezus… Idiots will try this and get killed. Thanks for solving the moron problem of our population!

Sadly, I’m no stranger to eating undercooked chicken. The very first time my husband cooked me a meal back when we were first dating, he forgot to make sure the chicken parmesan was actually cooked through. I took my first bite, looked down to cut another, and saw a living nightmare right before my eyes: that unmistakable pink that says, “There’s nothing quite as romantic as dysentery.”

Not surprisingly, I freaked out, ran to the bathroom, and attempted to throw up what I’d already ingested, even though I knew this was futile. And my future husband? He stood there, mouth agape, and then apologized profusely.

I married him anyway. And as it turns out, he’s actually a really good cook.

The good news in all this is that I did not die of the Tuscaloosa trots, and Morgan Jane Gibbs was just kidding in her post, as evidenced by her repeated use of the smiley face emoji in response to commenters, the fact that she “liked” many of the comments warning against consuming her concoction, and her direct declaration that “it was a joke” (followed by two more emoji faces).

But just in case there’s anyone out there still considering Gibbs’ culinary creation, DON’T DO IT. You could get seriously sick. And butt blasting from your poop chute is no way to reach your weight loss goals. TRUST.

To view Gibbs’ original image and read the full comment thread, see her Facebook post below.