By Ambrosia Brody of Random Aspects of (My) Life
Wine pairs nicely with everything from filet mignon to grilled salmon and pasta dishes to chicken fingers. Did you know a nice Pinot Noir brings out the cheesiness of macaroni and cheese? Or that the undertones of a refrigerated bottle of Rose can do wonders for a chocolate chip cookie?
Wine fixes most everything and gives life to even the blandest of dinners. So why wouldn’t wine do the same for our kids’ meltdowns? Here’s a list of pairing recommendations for that next epic tantrum.
The “I’m not getting a toy from Target” meltdown
Pairing: Petite Sirah
Taste: Hints of blueberries, plums, full-bodied flavor that does not linger
Reason: You’ll need a strong wine to win this battle. And the ability to forgive and forget your child’s behavior or you’ll never be able to go to the store until they’ve gained some control over their emotions.
The “I’m hungry so everything sucks” meltdown
Pairing: Cabernet Sauvignon
Taste: Full bodied and gripping
Reason: A hangry toddler is a scary beast. The meltdown typically occurs when the child has reached the breaking point and only the right food offering will calm the monster that destroys everything in its wake. Offer the wrong thing and the beast will only grow stronger. Lego towers will be pummeled, a baby sister will be shoved, shoes will be used as weapons, and lungs will dispense the shrillest of screams. The sound will stay with you for the rest of your life.
The “I’m bored as fuck so I’m going to make everyone miserable” meltdown
Pairing: Gruner Veltliner
Taste: A dry wine with hints of lime, lemon, grapefruit and an acidity-laden aftertaste
Reason: These meltdowns start off with the parent posing a simple, innocent question that somehow sparks a quick-starting fire that only grows with each parent-offered suggestion:
“Wanna build a fort?
“No!”
“What about coloring?”
“NOO!”
“Puzzles?”
“NOOO!”
“Watch 5 hours of TV?”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
By the time the tantrum is thrown, time-outs are given, and the fire is doused with buckets of empty threats and a winning idea to head out to the playground, the damage is done. The fire has been put out, but your patience is charred, and you’re pretty sure smoke is still coming out of your ears. Let a glass of Gruner Veltliner be your crutch for the day.
The “I’m exhausted but refuse to nap” meltdown
Pairing: Sauvignon Blanc
Taste: Light, hints of herb (one website compared the taste to that of “freshly mown grass”) with dominating sour flavors – be it apple, pear or other fruits – and a strong acid finish.
Reason: Nothing, nothing, is funny about a kid who won’t nap, and the result of a missed nap affects the rest of the day. Cranky kids make everything miserable. Yes, it breaks your heart when they cry, but the reason behind it is absurd. Closing your eyes for one hour is not the end of the world, kid. Nothing too exciting will happen during the time you are dozing (well, the down time is exciting for your mom, who will celebrate by checking Facebook or paying a bill), so please go the fuck to sleep.
The “my noodles are touching the peas” meltdown
Pairing: Muscadet
Taste: Light bodied with a dry aftertaste and a prickly sensation
Reason: You’re freaking out because the grilled cheese is brushing against the grapes? Seriously? On a scale of one to 10 of the worst things that can happen today, this is it? Parents need something as equally light, complicated, and a little annoying to get through this one.
The “I don’t want you/my friends to leave” meltdown
Pairing: Riesling
Taste: A balance of sweet and dry
Reason: It’s sweet that your child does not want you to leave them behind when you go to work/to school/to run an errand/to hide out in the bathroom. You love that your daughter feels so much love toward her BFF that it brings her to tears to be without her, but it is frustrating when the crying does not subside after explaining she will see her friend tomorrow at school. A chilled glass of Riesling makes the “I’ll be right back/ you’ll see her tomorrow” talk a little more tolerable.
The “I’m pissed for no reason and hate everyone meltdown” AKA “I’m overcome by so many emotions and don’t know how to express them” meltdown
Pairing: Tequila (or Rose)
Taste: Burning
Reason: Nothing makes sense. Nothing you do will make it OK. Threats, warnings, hugs, kisses, and baby talk won’t help. Just gotta ride this one out; swallow the threats inching their way up your throat and duck behind a couch. Hard liquor is a must for these tantrums. If hard liquor isn’t your thing, pour a glass of Rose, as it is both cheap and extremely versatile (note: it can be used to make cocktails), and sit back on the couch as all hell breaks loose around you.
The kids know where to find you.
*****
About the Author
Ambrosia Brody is a full-time editor, journalist and mother to two spirited daughters. She lives in Southern California in a beach city but hates the sand; enjoys people watching but hates small talk. She started to blog at Random Aspects of (My) Life when she realized everything she knew about parenting was wrong. Connect with her on her blog, Facebook or on Twitter.