Some white lies, like Santa or the Easter Bunny, are usually innocent. But what about when moms lie to keep their own secrets hidden from their children?
Parenting

When Moms Lie

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Some white lies, like Santa or the Easter Bunny, are usually innocent. But what about when moms lie to keep their own secrets hidden from their children?

By Sherene Buffa

I think most moms can agree that they have lied to their kids a time or two.

There are times when we have to fib a little. Times when your kid is having a tantrum and you say things that aren’t true to get her to do what you need her to do at that moment.

For example, if your daughter fights to get dressed in the morning, you might say something like, “Well, we will just go naked, then. Come on.” She starts freaking out and crying that she can’t go naked. And you know darn well, you would NEVER allow your child to leave the house in her birthday suit. But you are trying to scare the bejeezus out of her. So you resort to low levels. And you are so thankful that she realizes this, too. Because if she were totally on board with going naked —you’d have to come up with something else at 7 a.m.

Another example of parental fibbing is when Christmas is near. You might say, “Santa is not going to stop at our house this year if you keep being naughty.” What a lie, Mom! You know there is no fat man in a red suit running around to everyone’s house on Christmas Eve to deliver presents. It’s all a Big. Fat. Lie. You play along anyway, though. You follow the tradition of your parent(s) and everyone else and speak of these non-existent characters—Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy.  You do it at times to coerce better behavior, to make them feel better about losing a tooth. (The Tooth Fairy is coming!) But it’s a lie.

And it’s not a bad thing.

The white lies are universal for all—in every parents’ arsenal. It does feel weird at times to talk about Santa and to get a picture with the creepy Easter Bunny because we know the truth. And we are, in fact, lying to our children. But, we tell ourselves, it’s make-believe. We want them to believe in magic. Though, one day, it all catches up with us. One day, when they are old enough to not believe any longer, we tell them the truth. They get upset.  And rightfully so. They wonder why we led them on with such tales. And why do we? It’s not to manipulate or deceive them. Merely, we do it because it’s tradition. It bestows creativity. Wonderment.

So when do the fibs turn into hurtful lies? Is it okay for a mom to lie to hide the truth of something that embarrasses her? If it is something from her past she is ashamed of? 

I can remember being told things as a kid that I now question as an adult. I was always told I was the “surprise baby.” I am the third child. My father was in and out of work a lot. He was in the Vietnam War, probably suffered from PTSD, and it was the 70’s. Divorces were uncommon. My mother always said I was unplanned and she was going to leave my father after my sister was born. But she didn’t. And then she got pregnant with me. Since I am old enough now and have 2 children of my own, I think it is safe to say that she really wanted a third baby but was scared what her mother and other family members might say. After all, my grandmother practically supported them.

Telling me (what I believe) was a fib for so long never used to bother me. It wasn’t till I became an adult myself and reproduced 2 of my own that I started to question it. I mean, she was in her mid-30s—I think oopsies are a lot less common.  And it just so happens that my siblings and I are born in ’73, ’76, and ’79. The timing seems a little too coincidental. To this day, though, she stands by her word. And I never bother to question her. But I feel like I know the truth, and that stings a bit.

I never want to be the mom who lies to my girls about something I did or didn’t do to make myself seem better. I will always tell them the truth when they ask me personal questions about sex, drugs, alcohol, and life in general. I will be the best example I can—good or bad—because no one is perfect. And lies will not serve them; they will haunt them. I will not manipulate the truth. The truth will be what it is. Nothing more, nothing less.

Mothers have the most important work of all. We give life. We nurture. We should be the ones our children can always go to for anything. We should always speak the truth, even when it hurts. When a mother lies to her child, a trust is broken. A heart is bruised. Children look to us for trust, love, respect and most importantly, guidance. We should give them precisely that. In raw form.

A version of this post was originally published on Mama’s Doody.

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About Sherene Buffa

Sherene is a busy mom with two little girls under the age of 5. When she is not cleaning up a mess, chasing after a child, or wiping a doody—she can be found writing on her blog. It is her therapy and it is much cheaper than a therapist. She’s a simple gal who craves sleep, coffee, and chocolate every day. Sherene started Mama’s Doody to help keep her sane. She hopes you enjoy what she has to share.