By Estelle Erasmus
Father’s Day is the time to honor our fathers. The older our dads get, the more we may feel compelled to make it a Hallmark moment (and probably will), but that puts a lot of pressure on us, doesn’t it? So let’s assess the situation and reveal our honest impulses. Relax, it doesn’t mean you love your slightly older, grayer, balder, paunchier dad any less— it just means that you accept living in the real world.
What You Do: You buy your dad a present — a lightweight blue crewneck sweater to match his eyes — for those cool summer nights.
But You Really Want To: Comb through his closet and remove all the sweaters with appliques on them, including ponies or alligators, and other reminders of his glory years as a yuppie.
What You Do: Give him the most loving of cards with sentiments expressing “Thanks for always being there for me.”
But You Really Want To: Add these words: “Because after hearing all your well-meant ‘advice,’ (like you need to save 1/3 of your salary every week for retirement, and don’t let your kids leave the table till they finish their meal), I’m lucky to have my therapist on speed dial.”
What You Do: If it’s raining, take your dad bowling. Many bowling alleys have Father’s Day specials.
But You Really Want To: Ask your dad if he should be bowling on the slippery floor with keys in his pocket. Days spent bowling with your dad: priceless. Days spent watching your dad get a hip replacement and then going to rehab (yup, it happened to me) after falling on his keys while bowling: not so much.
What You Do: Find a cute brunch place where you will consume an omelet and a mimosa while listening to all the cool stuff your dad did in his past (yay, working for the company with the computer that took up an entire room). Your dad will eat as if it were his last meal with various munching sounds accompanying his litany of complaints about the noise level, the service, and possibly your wasted life.
But You Really Want To: Make it a liquid only brunch. The resulting buzz in your head will surpass the noise in the restaurant plus anything remotely unpleasant that your dad brings up, like the time in high school your parents caught you making out, braless, with your boyfriend and kicked him out. Fun times, especially when the story is told in front of your husband.
What You Do: Get him tickets to his favorite sporting event. Many stadiums offer a Father’s Day deal or discounted tickets. Even better, go with him.
But You Really Want To: Avoid the sounds of him heckling the players—and enjoying the heck out of it. Also, although he is giving you the play by play, you’d rather just play Candy Crush on your phone, but you can’t! Because of all the yelling, and talking, and mansplaining.
What You Do: Bring the kids for a visit after brunch and hear your dad repeatedly yell at them to stop running around or they’ll fall and hit their heads on the marble coffee table. You’ve already forewarned them to laugh uproariously when grandpa does his disappearing nose trick even though they are preteens and have seen him do that exact trick hundreds of times before.
But You Really Want To: Roll your eyes like your kids are doing and say, “Really, dad. You’re like 70, and the kids are not interested in fake magic tricks. Now if you can teach them something they are interested in learning about (say twerking), then you might be on to something.”
What You Do: While visiting, thumb through his old photo albums. Look, there you are with the worst hairstyle since Britney Spears gave herself a modified Mohawk. Oh, fun times with the ex boyfriend who dominated the dance floor at your sister’s wedding before you dumped his sorry ass. And cool: Mom and Dad dancing the merengue the night they first met, looking younger than you are now.
But You Really Want To: Stop time in its tracks. Because it all goes so fast, and one day, hopefully your kids will be doing all the right stuff with their dad while keeping their true feelings to themselves, just like you have, because you love your dad so much that it hurts.
That’s the real meaning of the circle of life.
*****
About the Author
Estelle Erasmus is a widely-published author, journalist, 3-time VOTY, and writing coach. Find her on twitter at @EstelleSErasmus and on her website.