Humor Parenting

TSA Confiscated My Children’s Fruit Squeezies and I Will Never Let This Go

I just got back from the most amazing writing retreat ever with some of the internet’s most inspiring and hilarious women, and the weekend couldn’t have been better.

I’M LYING. IT COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER IF TSA HADN’T STOLEN MY CHILDREN’S FRUIT SQUEEZIES.

Background: There we were, a collection of supportive women getting shit done (the likes of whom include Joelle Wisler, Writer; The 21st Century SAHM; Foxy Wine Pocket; The Outnumbered Mother; Close to Classy; and Ramblin’ Mama). We were brainstorming, we were drinking, we were swapping trade secrets, we were drinking, we were meeting with brand ambassadors, we were drinking, we were getting awesome swag (did I mention we were drinking?):

Photo Credit: The Outnumbered Mother

One of the killer companies who provided us with swag was Plum Organics — you know, makers of delish fruit squeezies such as these, among other things.

I’d provide my own picture BUT I CAN’T BECAUSE TSA CONFISCATED THEM FROM ME THE BASTARDS

Well. If you’re a parent, I don’t need to tell you how jackpot this score is. I mean, my kids are getting older, but I still have a 2-year-old at home and 6 and 9-year-olds who will eat EVERYTHING. So when I saw the opportunity to bring these suckers home and make their friggin’ week, I was like OH HELLS YES.

So I packed my carry-ons (which cost me $49 to take on the airplane, btw, the relevance of which will come into play in a hot sec) chock full of squeezies and prepared to be the motherlovin’ Mom of the Year.

And then I went through TSA security at the airport.

I had a hunch they may question my massive load (that’s what she said), so I was prepared for a little search-a-roonie. What I was NOT prepared for, however, was for them to confiscate all my sweet swag and drop it in a dumpster before lighting it and my will to exist ablaze (or at least that’s what I imagine they did with it).

The TSA agent who landed my menacing squeezy satchel dragged me over to a special soul-crushing table where she proceeded to unload the squeezies one at a time at a pace about 20 trillion times slower than it takes my kids to put on clean underwear in the morning.

TSA agent: This is over the size limit.

Me:

TSA agent: And this is over the size limit.

Me:

TSA agent: This is over the size limit.

(repeat eleventy million effing times)

Me, finally: So what’s the size limit?

TSA agent: 3.4 oz

Me: And what are these?

TSA agent: 3.5 oz

Me: Seriously? POINT ONE OUNCE OVER THE LIMIT? And I can’t take them? POINT ONE OUNCE? I mean, they’re fruit squeezies for children. That’s kind of silly, don’t you think?

TSA agent: No, I don’t think so. I don’t make the rules. But you can check them if you want.

Me: You want me to pay the airline an additional $100 on top of the $49 I already had to pay to carry my underwear on board in order to check these perfectly harmless, sealed children’s fruit pouches? I’m good, thanks.

TSA agent: Ok. As long as you don’t mind me tossing them.

OMG I DO MIND. I VERY MUCH MIND YOU TOSSING THEM. ON WHAT PLANET DOES SOMEONE NOT MIND PERFECTLY GOOD FOOD GETTING NONSENSICALLY THROWN AWAY? WHAT PLANET, I SAY?

But rules are rules, and I’m not willing to get placed on a No Fly List over some squeezy swag, so I walked away. I walked away from my precious organic fruit squeezies and prayed for a painless disposal.

Foxy Wine Pocket captures the senseless squeezy murder in action

And then I discovered the news. The horrible, wretched, slap-in-the-labes news: They let all my favorite writer friends through security with their squeezies.

OH MY GOD, I HAD BEEN SQUEEZY SHAMED.

You know who lets things like this go? Maybe Elsa, but not me. NOT ME, PEOPLE.

TSA STOLE MY CHILDREN’S FRUIT SQUEEZIES AND I WILL TAKE THIS TRANSGRESSION TO MY GRAVE.

In the end, I totally understand and support the rules, even when those rules result in the inhumane disposal of perfectly innocent fruit squeezies. I mean, I’m not interested in getting blown up mid-flight, so cool. Whatever you gotta do. Fine. It’s cool. I’m a grown-up. I can handle it. I guess.

I may one day forgive. But you bet your sweet ass I will NEVER forget.

#LetMySqueeziesGo

#FreeTheSqueeze

#StopSqueezyShaming