By E.R. Catalano of zoevstheuniverse.com
As we slam the door on 2016, and then set that door on fire, it’s time to look forward to new goals, new experiences.
After countless grueling and painstaking interviews, for which we endured a lot of whining, ours and our subjects’, we’ve rounded up the top 17 new year’s resolutions for 2017 from toddlers:
1. Try new foods…to spit out after one bite.
2. Meet new friends…and push them.
3. Insist on wearing a particular outfit and then change my mind at the last minute, just like my resolution from last year. Why fix what ain’t broke?
4. Don’t complete potty training. Mommy doesn’t appreciate things unless she has to work hard for them.
5. Ask “What’s that?” while pointing in a vague direction. Daddy enjoys guessing games.
6. Convince the world I’m a robot. Beep-beep, boop. I. AM. A. ROBOT. I said that in a robot voice. I mean, my voice. Cause I’m a robot.
7. Avoid peeing on the toilet seat so that my butt doesn’t get wet when I slide off.
8. Cover every inch of wall space, from the floor to 4 feet high, with my art. Use an egregious amount of scotch tape.
9. Come up with new dance moves with which to wow Mommy while she’s trying to get me dressed. When she asks, “Are you kidding me?” it’s another opportunity to say “No.”
10. Cut down on carbs. Am I kidding? Yes.
11. Now that I don’t need the stroller anymore and can walk, insist on being carried. Unless Mommy brings the stroller. Then insist on walking.
12. Improve work/life balance.
13. Since Mommy keeps saying, “You can look, but you can’t touch,” master the art of breaking things with my mind. Or perhaps just scream at a higher register?
14. Get woke. This was something I heard another mommy talking about in 2016. My understanding is I’m to wait in my bed on Saturday mornings for someone to come wake me up, that way I can get woke, not wake myself.
15. Become Death, Destroyer of Worlds.
16. When a timeout is on the horizon, throw in an “I love you.” They can’t resist that.
17. Wherever I go, resolve to have a good time, or at least make sure that if I’m not having a good time, no one else is either.
About the Author
E. R. Catalano is a writer and mother of one evil mastermind living in Brooklyn, NY. She writes a humor blog at www.zoevstheuniverse.com, and she’s a contributor to I Just Want to Be Perfect, The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweets, and Never Will I Ever (and Then I Had Kids). Her writing has also appeared on McSweeney’s, Scary Mommy, In the Powder Room, and HaHas for HooHahs, among others. You can follow her on Facebook and on Twitter at @zoevsuniverse.