MockMom

The Ultimate (Toddler) Guide to Getting What You Want RIGHT NOW

By Isa Down

I witnessed an act of toddler brilliance at Target the other day. (That’s Tarzhé to you lay folk out there.) This was the tantrum du jour and was no half-hearted whine fest in the Barbie section.

If you bundled the brilliant willpower and grace of Malala Yousafzai and the tyranny of Benito Mussolini into a tiny, angry human, the result would be what I found wailing on the linoleum aisle floor. It was like witnessing an Olympic athlete during their gold-medal winning performance: synchronous, calculated, and practiced.

You get the point.

From watching this kid’s flawless act, I was able to pinpoint the steps to the perfect temper tantrum to get what you want (for later use):

Step 1: Pick something completely arbitrary to lose your mind over. Do not by any means pick something meaningful, because that completely defeats the purpose. They don’t have Astronaut Barbie in stock? Perfect. You already have all the Shopkins products on the shelves? That is prime fodder for your epic meltdown.

Step 2: Cry. A lot. I’m not talking about a quivering chin and alligator tears here. I am talking full on ugly cry. If your eyes aren’t puffy and your voice hoarse at the end of it, you didn’t do it right.

Step 3: Kick. Kick the cart. Kick your parents. Kick the stranger standing next to you. Kick the air. Kick the toy display. It doesn’t really matter what you kick, just make sure it’s done with gusto.

Step 4: Flail. This differs from kicking, as it requires your entire body to convulse and flap around asynchronously. You need to really get your limbs moving with this one. The more objects you can inadvertently hit and knock over, the more points you get.

Step 5: Throw things. Again, the more things that are displaced, the better. Have you already knocked everything off the shelves in the toy section? No worries: Target is a big store. If you’re doing it right, you will be dragged through a myriad of sections on your way out of the store (kicking, screaming, crying, flailing).

The shoe section is decent, as are the sunglasses. If you can get your mom to drag you through the throw pillows, towels, or dishes, then you can pretty much guarantee that you’ll be lip-syncing the national anthem while you’re up there on the podium. The produce section is always a good time, too.

Step 6: Make loud noises. This goes along with throwing things: pots, pans, boxes, watermelon, glass containers, you name it. Bang things together. Knock over furniture. You should also expect to scream, wail, sob exuberantly, and grunt. If you aren’t stomping, you aren’t winning.

Step 7: Use your body as an anchor. The last thing you want to do is be dragged out of the store before you have made your point. To prevent this from happening too soon, use your body as a dead weight when anyone attempts to pick you up or direct you out of the store in any way. You will have to stop flailing momentarily, but that just gives you more incentive to use your voice.

Step 8: Use silence to regain attention. This routine is pointless unless someone is paying attention to you. And I don’t mean the looky-loos in the next section who are pretending to sift through the sales rack in order to keep watching you. You absolutely must have the attention of someone who will react in anger, embarrassment, frustration, or any combination of these.

If you are not getting the attention and reaction that you want, pretend that you have gotten over your tantrum until you are in an area that will garner the reaction you deserve.

Step 9: Rinse and repeat. Repeat steps #1-8 with even more joie de vivre.

So, there you have it. You are now equipped to enter the world and wreak havoc with the best of them.

*****

About the Author

Isa Down is a freelance writer, mom and registered nurse who keeps it together by cracking jokes to herself all day. She always finds herself funny. She has written for Today’s Parent, Huffington Post, What to Expect, and others, in between working and going to grad school. Oh, and being a mom.