Ask any parent, and they know about the diaper continuum. Some are relatively clean upon changing, and others beg the question, "Why did I even reproduce?"
Humor Parenting

The Diaper Continuum: From Clean to Why Did I Reproduce?

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Ask any parent, and they know about the diaper continuum. Some are relatively clean upon changing, and others beg the question, "Why did I even reproduce?"

By Liv of Live By Surprise

1. Clean

Baby might have just farted. Nothing to see here.

2. Just wet

This one is a small pee. Not too smelly, and as far as the spectrum of diapers goes, this is just under a “clean” diaper.

3. Mega pee

This one will have an ammonia “flavor.” I say “flavor” instead of smell because you will actually be able to taste it.

4. Shart

This was a fart that went horribly wrong. Not a big deal on the clean-up side – but you’re going to want to watch out. It may be one of the seven signs of the apocalypse (see number 8).

5. Play dough

The poo will be in once piece and resemble a chunk of brown play dough. This one is also not too bad to clean-up as, like play dough, it doesn’t stick to skin. Usually the smell isn’t too bad as the poo is compact.

6. Marbles

Similar to number 5, but these small pearls are not the kind you want to string around your neck. Fairly easy to clean up, but like the spaghetti song, watch as they may “roll off of the table and onto the floor…and right out the door.”

7. Pee-soup

Yes. I spelled that right. This is a mix of runny poop and pee that is the shade and consistency of your great-aunt’s pea soup. It may contain some unexpected chunks of different colors. Warning: most people would prefer to crawl into a skunk den with an air horn than change one of these. If you are among those brave enough to do it, the mixture of pee and poo makes it pretty easy to wipe off because it’s fairly liquid.

8. Poop-mageddon (aka the poo-pocalypse)

A mere diaper will not be able to contain the torrents of shit that projectile out of your sweet little baby. Even the strongest pair of pants will leak with the poop-mageddon. This may be related to some sort of illness in your child – but occasionally you just get a build-up or something doesn’t agree with baby. Despite the maternal or paternal bond, you may briefly consider either heading for the hills or committing Harakiri. Persevere. Feign complete ignorance to the sight and the smell – and hand the child off to his or her other unsuspecting parent before you do.

This post was originally published on Live By Surprise

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About Liv

Liv is the pseudonym for a rocking forty year old working mother of three who remarried after a terrible divorce, had a terrible car accident and almost lost her leg, and yet continues to have a positive attitude.  Her work has been featured on ScaryMommy, HuffPost and The Mid – and she’s a contributing writer atDivorcedMoms.com. You can find her blog at http://www.livebysurprise.blogspot.com or follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

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