By Shawna Gove of That Mom Lady

My family is lucky to live within 15 miles of one of the best zoos in the country. It sees over two million visitors each year, so it’s not surprising that when my husband and I plan a daycation getaway to the zoo with our son, it is pretty much always packed.

Because of our proximity, I have been to the zoo no fewer than 163 times. This year. Which means that while I still love to see all the animal exhibits, I’ve seen them. Sometimes the animals do something out of the norm, but for the most part, they just take naps and take craps, which oddly enough is really similar to what my child does.

So in my quest for new and interesting, non-poo-related things to look at, I began watching the other moms (and dads) at the zoo, and I realized that at any given moment there six types of parents on exhibit at the zoo:

1. The Octo-Mom

I honestly don’t know if the dozen or so children in your care today are yours or not, and it doesn’t really matter. I just know that you have a small army of youngsters in matching neon green puff-painted shirts star-bursting from around you at all times. And yes, in case you’re wondering, one or two (or all) of them are in the way. Please try to corral them closer when you perform your head count partway through the elephant exhibit.

2. The Emily Post Mom

I want to praise your well-mannered and good-intentioned parenting style. In an attempt to teach your child turn-taking and sharing, you and your child are patiently waiting for your chance at the glass to see the polar bear. When your child’s turn finally comes, you step forward to the glass, excited to see the big pile of white fur up close. Suddenly you are cut off by someone else needling their kid up to the exhibit. I see you gently pull your child back close to you, whisper that it is okay and that it will be their turn in just a second. Except that you get cut off again. And again. And probably again. In the hustle and bustle of the popular exhibits, your lack of pushiness and penchant for manners is going to leave you standing there for a long, long time. You should probably just go check out another, less popular exhibit, like the birds of North America.  

 3. The Alpha Mom 

The nemesis of Emily Post Mom, you are quite often the one cutting her off at exhibits. Don’t think I didn’t notice. You are the mom who knows that to get the most out of your day, you and your children will need to surreptitiously slip right up to the glass before those around you even notice. You quickly learn how to wiggle your way, double-stroller and all, right up front and glue yourself there for as long as you please. Unofficial lines to see a particular exhibit are not for you or your brood. You march past those idiots and insert yourself into the prime spots. And if anyone gets in your way, my suspicion is that you will beat your fists on your chest while growling until your alpha dominance is reasserted.

 4. The Documentarian Dad

There’s a subtle difference between the normal photo documentation taking place at the zoo and the parent who is clearly putting together some kind of toddler reality show. You know who you are. You take 79 photos of your child sitting next to the abstract giraffe sculpture. Yes, the sculpture, not even the real-life animal. You are the parent telling your child: sit right here, look over there, smile, don’t smile that big, fix your shirt, look over here, now put your hand here, sit up straight, don’t cry, stop crying, we’re almost done, I promise we’re almost done, sit there ten more seconds and I’ll get you some Dippin’ Dots. You will take an ungodly amount of photos at every exhibit and also several of your child eating the aforementioned Dippin’ Dots. What you are doing with all of these photos and video, I have no idea. Sometimes I am tempted to ask, but then I’d prefer not to be part of your zoo documentary. 

 5. The Doomsday Prepper Mom 

Your organization and exceptional abilities of foresight are enviable. You have been preparing for the zoo for the past 72 hours, and it shows. Everyone in your party carries a backpack filled with a three day supply of trail mix, a canteen of water, sunscreen, antibacterial, a first aid kit, emergency contact information, two sets of extra clothing, energy gels and a flashlight with extra batteries. In addition, you pull a wagon (that no child actually gets to sit in) filled with what I would guess contains flares, an inflatable raft, matches, a compass, bear pepper spray, a crank radio and several Mylar thermal blankets. You. Are. Ready. And you should be. The zoo is filled with hundreds of dangerous animals. One wrong turn could leave you smack in the middle of the lion exhibit, and if that happens, you’ll be prepared with your red Igloo cooler filled with raw meat scraps.  

 6. The Dealing With It Dad

Also known as “I’m just here for the kids.” A day at the zoo is exhausting for anyone who isn’t being pushed in a stroller. Even then, those little stroller hitchhikers are still taking periodic snoozes throughout the day, so they don’t really even count. Halfway through Australia you’ll realize that you were ready to leave this, well, zoo, an hour ago. Unfortunately for you, the little prince or princess of the chariot insists that you have to see the kangaroos. And the Komodo dragon. And those cool monkeys. No, those aren’t the cool monkeys. No, those aren’t the cool monkeys either. The cool monkeys that swing from the rope! To avoid a complete meltdown (yours, not your child’s) in the middle of The Congo, you grit your teeth and deal with it. This day can’t last forever, can it? The park closes at seven, right?! 

I’ve grown to love watching the parents roaming around in their natural habitat as much as I love watching the animals. It doesn’t hurt that they serve beer on tap at the concession stands either. What? Don’t judge — it’s fancy schmancy craft beer, and it’s just what a Dealing With It Momma does.

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About the Author

Shawna Gove is the working mom to a sweet and wild little Calvin (complete with his own stuffed tiger). She has blogged previously about her experience as a young adult with breast cancer, and she now blogs at That Mom Lady. She has been published at Scary Mommy, The Mighty, and Mamalode.