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Popular Retail Store to Compensate Thousands of Customers for ‘Unlawful Advertising’

Target to Compensate Thousands of Customers for 'Unlawful Advertising'

By Samantha Wassel of Between the Monkey Bars

Have you ever found yourself wandering the aisles of Target—compulsively filling your cart with everything from garden gnomes to stoneware salad bowls—and suddenly get the overwhelming sense that you’re just out of control?

Turns out, you probably were. Like, literally. In fact, you might have been hypnotized.

A federal judge recently ruled in favor of a disgruntled shopper who claimed that the multi-billion dollar company used “unlawful, immoral, and psychologically-damaging advertising tactics” on its customers.

Mae Jordet, a mother of three and frequent Targeteer, filed a lawsuit last month after a visit with her psychologist revealed that she’d been “subliminally coerced via ‘Bullseye Hypnosis’ into regularly visiting the store to squander her husband’s money on superfluous items, including, but not limited to, exorbitant amounts of Archer Farms trail mix.”

“When she arrived at our session last week, I knew immediately that we were dealing with more than her usual anxiety issues,” said Dr. Abel Zigh, Psy.D. “She walked in 30 minutes late, carrying her own ottoman. A really nice Safavieh one. Spruce, I think. It actually went perfectly with the office décor. Anyway, it still had the Target price tag on it. She was also chugging a Starbucks Caramel Macchiato, even though we’ve repeatedly discussed the negative effect caffeine has on her nerves.

“She set her purse—a navy and white striped canvas one I didn’t recognize—down on the ottoman, and when she propped her feet up, she knocked it over with one of her new wedge gladiator sandals. All the contents spilled out, and—my God—it was like she’d shoved an entire dollar store into a single Merona handbag: toddler socks, pinwheels, little food-shaped erasers. What are those things even used for? I’m pretty sure you can’t actually erase anything with them. Except, perhaps, your dignity.”

When Zigh confronted Jordet about the purchases, she claimed to have no recollection of making them. She did, however, mention feeling “a bit disoriented” after driving past the Target billboard on her way to drop her kids off at preschool earlier that morning.

“She had this really odd look in her eyes,” said Zigh. “It’s hard to explain. Her irises were ringed with an almost reddish hue, as were her pupils. They almost looked like, well…Bullseyes.”

Zigh performed several psychological evaluations on Jordet, including the famous Rorschach test, during which she was shown a series of inkblot images and asked to identify any specific shapes or images she saw in them. Zigh said that Jordet responded by alternately “barking like a Bull Terrier” and “whispering ‘Bulllllssseeeeye’ in an eerie voice.”

“Fortunately, I was able to bring her back to reality rather quickly,” Zigh said. “Her receipt had fallen out of her purse, and as soon as I read her the total charges made to her REDcard, she snapped out of it. Actually, she kind of snapped at me. Grabbed the receipt out of my hand and made me swear not to tell her husband.”

“Clearly, she wasn’t in her right mind when she made all those purchases,” said Zigh. “The Target logo made her do it. Those bullseyes are everywhere: billboards, price tags, surrounding the eyeball of that poor puppy they call their ‘mascot.’ I’m actually surprised no one picked up on it sooner. Circular patterns have been used to facilitate classical hypnosis for ages.”

Jordet successfully sued Target for $18.4 million in “psychological, financial, and clutter-related damages.” The company was also court-ordered to pay an additional 96.4 million dollars in punitive damages, to be dispersed among other “Bullseye Victims.”

“I’m just happy to see those money-sucking bastards finally pay for their crimes against humanity,” said Jordet, popping an Archer Farms Parmesan & Garlic Kettle Chip into her mouth.

If you feel you made any impulsive purchases at Target in the past year, you can file an official claim on the company’s website. You may be entitled to up to $1,000 in compensation.*

That’ll get you a hell of a lot of dollar bin items.

*Not really. It’s satire, peeps. 

Related Post: Mom Suffers Existential Crisis After Peeing Alone

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About the Author

Samantha Wassel is a Stay-At-Home Mama to the cutest twin toddlers in the history of all Toddlerdom. When she’s not running her borderline-offensive mouth, she’s running masochistically long distances, often with the aforementioned toddlers in tow. She enjoys reading, writing, baking, marathoning, complaining, photographing, playgrounding, and Ghirardelli Midnight Reverie chocolate bars. Her writing has been featured on Scary Mommy, Club Mid, In the Powder Room, Bluntmoms, and Mamalode. Follow her on Facebook and check out her personal blog, Between the Monkey Bars.