This reporter is in shock, having uncovered an evil plot at Starbucks headquarters. Below, you will find a memo written by Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz to the head of a satanic cult. It reveals the true nature of their red “holiday” cups.
To: Clive Littlebeans, Grand Emperor, Satanic Headquarters, California From: Howard Schultz, CEO, Starbucks
Subject: SATAN Cups
All Hail the Dark Lord!
I’m filing my final report on the implementation of Starbucks’ Mass Holiday Chaos Plan. I’m happy to report that after many years, Christians have finally noticed our plan to convert them to worship the Dark Side, but it’s too late.
As you know, the plot started with our brother organization Coca Cola in the 1930s with the introduction of Satan Claus (oh…sorry… I mean Santa, of course). The figurehead immediately took hold. His red suit, designed to mimic the Dark Lord’s skin color, was overlooked, as planned. His jolly demeanor was designed to indoctrinate children to worship at our altar, and it worked.
Christian parents fell for it. They even bought presents for their children and hid them under the tree while they were sleeping, pretending they were gifts from the Dark Lord (I mean Santa…). Our brothers at Coca Cola convinced the Christians to believe Christmas meant a present-buying orgy, filled with chaos and greed.
Years later, Starbucks has tried to continue the tradition of our brothers in Darkness. Starbucks coffee blend, like Coke, is dark and sulfery. Our beans are specially roasted in the deep pits of our Dark Lord, designed specifically to smell and mimic the Prince of Darkness’ blood.
We started in the financial districts, slowly and insidiously indoctrinating their followers with our “special” blends, with added addictive elements, to keep them coming back. The initial campaign was extremely successful. Our large business customer base allowed us to expand our shrines to Lucifer to every major city in the world.
But our genius was yet to be fulfilled. We expanded our reach by offering “special” coffees and free WiFi. We got our hooks into the yoga-pant-wearing yummy mummy club by offering pumpkin spice everything and large, moist ginger cookies. We encouraged their greed and their sloth, while lining our coffers with their offerings.
They clamored to worship at our altar. They bring their children to our fold and ignore them while looking at their phones. The children become addicted to our goods and bring in others. They whine and beg their parents for just one more Gingerbread Créme or addictive hot chocolate, necessitating two daily trips for worship.
They even visit us on the day of their own worship. Our profits rise greatly on Sundays, as they make offerings and genuflect at our altars, before or after their worship of their Christian God.
The ultimate plot was finally implemented this year. After years of hanging our brand on Satanic symbols with Christmas trees and winter scenes designed to invoke pictures of Hell on earth, we removed them. This year, our “holiday” cups are just plain red, like Santa’s suit and the Dark Angel’s skin. We have successfully invoked outrage among some of the Christian sect.
After years of convincing them that our symbols of the Antichrist were actually Christian, removing them has sparked intended controversy. While there are some who have discovered our plot, their voices are but whispers.
The loudest voices are (as we expected) saying they’re “just red cups” and they “don’t define our religious leanings.” Their denial of their worship of the Dark Demon confirms our success. Our flock has been indoctrinated, as surely as our Solo Cup stock goes up every September.
Our legions are loyal and will continue to worship at the altar of Starbucks.
Yours in Darkness,
As I write this, I’m drinking my Caramel Spiced Latte from a beautiful red cup, having made my daily offering at the altar of the Dark Lord.
ALL HAIL THE DARK LORD, FOR HIS BLOOD IS DELICIOUS.
About the Author
Liv is the pseudonym for a Starbucks addicted 40-year-old working mother of three who remarried after a terrible divorce, had a terrible car accident and almost lost her leg, and yet continues to have a positive attitude. Her work has been featured on ScaryMommy, HuffPost, MockMom, YourTango and The Mid —and she’s a contributing writer at DivorcedMoms.com. You can find her blog at livebysurprise.com or follow her on Facebook or Twitter.