Health Parenting

Self-Care for Depressed Mamas

By Olivia Williams

My struggle with depression began in my teens. Eventually diagnosed with major depressive disorder and a handful of anxiety disorders, I would periodically be laid low by a bout of extreme and debilitating depression that could last anywhere from a weekend to an entire summer. After years of therapy, countless different medications and scores of self-help books, I came up with a self-care regimen that helped stave off depression and made depressive episodes shorter and easier to bear. The most important things for maintaining my mental health were getting plenty of sleep and ensuring social connections.

When I made the decision to have children in my thirties, I knew that sleep would be in short supply and that I wouldn’t be able to keep up with most of the other strategies I’d perfected over the years. But it wasn’t until after the birth of my first child that I actually understood how hard it is to practice self-care as a parent. Now, four months into life as the parent of two under three, I’ve put together a list of strategies that have helped me maintain good mental health during one of the most difficult phases of my life.

1. Sleep When You Can

My first child was bottle fed, so my partner and I developed a sleep strategy of one night on, one night off. The parent who was “on” slept in the same room with our son and was responsible for any night wakings, diaper changes and feedings. The parent who was “off” slept in the guest room alone and got a glorious, uninterrupted eight hours of sleep.

My second child is breastfeeding, so we’ve had to alter this routine. I sleep in the same room as my daughter and my partner sleeps down the hall. I’m responsible for the baby during the night and my husband is responsible for the toddler. On weekends I bring the baby down to my husband once she’s up for the day and then head back to bed with my earplugs and a sound machine. An extra two or three hours Saturday and Sunday help me get through the week. Whenever I have a particularly wakeful night, I look forward to those weekend sessions of sleep and remember that my mood and outlook will significantly improve after some sleep.

2. See A Therapist On The Reg

Because my daughter won’t take a bottle, I found a therapist that will let me bring the baby in for my sessions. Every two weeks I leave the toddler with a caretaker and head to therapy. The time is spent strategizing ways to get through sleep deprivation, toddler tantrums, and childhood illnesses. Checking in with a professional who can help me brainstorm is invaluable.

3. Consider Medication

Many women begin taking medication during their third trimester to keep their heads above water once the baby arrives. I started an anti-depressant three days after my son was born and continued until he was about four months old. Your midwife or OBGYN can often send you home from the hospital with medication that is compatible with nursing.

After the birth of my second child, I had my placenta encapsulated and I credit this with my ability to plod through the postpartum period and the fourth trimester with a relatively positive mood and significantly less crying than after my first birth.

4. Get Outside

It can seem totally overwhelming to bundle you, your baby, and any older children into clothes and shoes and car seats or strollers. If you’re completely exhausted, put on some slippers and take everyone outside in their pajamas. Even if you only walk to the mailbox, getting out of the house and exposing yourself to some sunshine will improve your mood. As an added benefit, a change of scenery and fresh air can soothe cranky babies and toddlers. And if you can get yourself out for a walk, the exercise will help you by increasing serotonin levels and helping you get better, deeper sleep.

5. Eat

Easier said than done, but even if all you can muster is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, bowl of cereal or frozen dinner, make sure you’re eating.

Some people freeze meals over the weekend. I find that a crockpot can make planning meals significantly easier because it allows me to throw meals together when the kids are occupied or napping rather than during the evening when everyone is at their fussiest and most demanding. And if folks are offering to bring you food after the birth of a child, accept and freeze anything extra.

6. Hydrate

As busy as you are, you can always grab a glass of water. I try to keep a water bottle in the car since I drive a lot and I’m often stuck in traffic. Use that time to your advantage and hydrate. If you’re nursing, this will also help protect your milk supply and increase your energy.

7. Invest In A Structured Pant

Whether you’re back to your pre-baby weight, smaller, or bigger, buy yourself some new clothes. Yoga pants and maternity clothes can bridge the gap, but you deserve some real clothes. It took me four months after my daughter was born to break down and acknowledge my body was going to be different and I was going to need some new clothes regardless of how much I weighed. When I finally invested in some clothes that fit, I was amazed at how much better I felt about myself.

8. Shower

Maybe this won’t be a long, luxurious, relaxing shower, but stick the baby in her swing or hand her off to a partner and soap up. I always feel like a shower makes me feel so much better after a long illness and the mood lifting properties apply here, too.

9. Let Go Of Expectations

Thought you’d exclusively breastfeed but find that the night wakings are taking on a toll on your mood? Wanted to co-sleep but your baby is keeping you up all night, wiggling? Do what’s right for you and your family, not what you “thought” you’d do. If you’re in good mental health and taking care of yourself, you’ll be a better parent.

I was adamantly opposed to taking an anti-depressant while nursing, but eventually I realized that a depressed mom with Zoloft-free breastmilk was significantly less important to my son than a healthy mama.

10. Ask For Help

Does your neighbor have four under four, jog five miles a day, constantly involve herself in activities and still have time for Pinterest-worthy crafts and activities all without any discernable participation from another adult? Good on her, but I think you’ll find if you look closer that she’s got parents, friends and babysitters on deck so she can find time for all the things she does. And even if she doesn’t, give yourself permission to ask for help from anyone willing to step in and ease your burden.

I felt extremely guilty asking for help until I realized that no parent can do everything on their own and you could go crazy trying. Make sure everyone’s needs get met by taking advantage of an offer to babysit or bring over dinner from someone who got a solid night’s sleep.

To find out more about postpartum depression and treatment, visit postpartumprogress.com.

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About the Author

Olivia Williams is a full time attorney turned stay at home feminist, freelance writer and mother of two. She enjoys craft beer, yoga and reading Victorian novels in the bath. Follow her on Twitter @oawillia.