By Tessa A. Adams of familyfootnote.com
“Saying you weren’t born yesterday shames newborns,” said the Surgeon General of the United States.
We’ve all done it, perhaps half consciously, without feeling. When someone patronizes us in the heat of the moment, we let the insensitive phrase out of our mouths, ignoring those it could hurt the most.
No one knows where it started. Traces of newborn slander in history date back to a time of settlers and horse-drawn carriages. Of lamp-lit windows and no telephones. Back when some of our most important voices were disregarded, treated as if they weren’t human. But this wasn’t the norm.
Recently, this offensive phrase has made a comeback, and our tiniest humans are fed up. This is a public service announcement from maternity wards across the world: It is no longer politically correct to say, “I wasn’t born yesterday.”
Three-year-old Tommy Kroger remembers hearing this phrase uttered by his father while still in the hospital. Although he has only been alive for three years, his vocabulary is that of an English professor.
“It’s like they don’t know how impressive it is on the part of the newborn to actually be born. Moms get all the credit. They are the loudest voices in the process, but our cries, the cries of my brethren, aren’t from joy. These are the primal screams of a job well done. Being born is nothing to scoff at, and I’m frankly tired of being shamed every time an adult is bereft of a comeback.”
Tommy isn’t alone. Across the nation doctors are taking note of a new upheaval in newborn outrage.
“They want respect. They want to be treated well. They refuse to be marginalized,” says Dr. Spacek, the spokesperson for the humane treatment of newborns. “Being born yesterday used to be impressive. People from all over the country would fly in for the event, just because that new human was born yesterday.”
It’s time to think before we speak or tweet. There are little humans in this country who need advocates. Where are their advocates now?
When asked what we could now say when someone insults our intelligence, the doctors had little they could use as a substitute. In a press conference with the Surgeon General, the crowd got a bit out of hand. One reporter exclaimed, “What are we to do? We have no substitute. You have taken away the perfect form of self-expression. You have taken away our comeback.”
The Surgeon General issued his warning: “I think we can remove sarcasm. What if instead of saying, ‘I wasn’t born yesterday,’ you threw in a true statement like, ‘I do know what you are saying’ or ‘Well, you are not a nice person.’”
This did little to appease the crowd. They were infuriated and started to demand a proper replacement. One reporter cried, “Do you even know how ridiculous this press conference is? Do you even know how to do your job?”
A visibly upset Surgeon replied with, “Of course I do! I wasn’t born…quit being so cruel.”
Then he walked off the stage in a fever of rage that could not be quelled. His status with the American public is still being questioned, because even the Surgeon General could not find a proper substitute for the phrase. This story is evolving. Please stay tuned for the latest acceptable way to get people to stop treating you like you were born, er…not their equal.
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