By MockMom Contributors
In response to the misogynistic hashtag #repealthe19th, the remaining decent lawmakers, an ever-dwindling number, have appointed a committee to look into passing a 28th Amendment to the constitution. Similar to the 21st, which repealed Prohibition (the 18th), the 28th Amendment would, if ratified, be the second time in its history the constitutional amendments would cross the unofficial no-backsies line. It would call for a limited rollback of the right to free speech, tentatively titled: Repeal the First Amendment for Proven Idiots.
Our reporters conducted “man on the street” interviews to ask regular citizens their thoughts on the #repealthe19th brouhaha:
Casey Drevenak of Elmhurst, Queens
“Would I still be able to vote for Dancing with the Stars? Then I guess I’m okay with it. Wait. Did you say this was a ‘man on the street’ interview? I’m a woman. Am I allowed to answer? My God, am I even allowed to be on the street?” Ms. Drevenak then ran off in her skort and reversible windbreaker, her two-way attire broadcasting her availability for three-way sexual relations.
Bob Wyckoff of Raleigh, Virginia
Lest readers think we have a double standard if we don’t also describe how a man was attired, Bob, who we found outside a Trump rally, was wearing pleated Dockers and an “I’m with Deplorable” t-shirt. He gave a demure twirl so we could read the back, which said, “We’re gonna need a bigger basket.”
“They shouldn’t just repeal the 19th,” Mr. Wyckoff said. “They should also repeal that one about coveting your neighbor’s wife. Especially if your neighbor is your brother and your brother’s wife is his sister.” When asked if he was immune to irony, Mr. Wyckoff replied that he’d just had a tetanus shot three weeks ago after a game of grab-ass with a nail gun went horribly awry.
Buffy von Oldmonet of Weston, CT
“I would looooove to vote, but honestly? I’m just too busy right now. Between Pilates, junior league meetings, my daily massage, and running the kids to their after-school activities (Stanford is president of the Future Martin Shkreli club this year), I just don’t have time to stand in a line and push random buttons. I know you can mail in your vote, which sounds adorable and quaint in a white trash costume party sort of way, but I’d be mortified if one of the girls from the club saw me buying stamps. I leave big decisions to my husband. He decides who should be president and I hire the decorator to get the house ready for Thanksgiving. It’s about balance.”
W.T. Power of Buffalo, NY
“Givin’ women the right to vote was one a’ the stupidest things we ever done in this country. Take my girlfriend, Candy. She voted for that fruit Sanjaya on American Idol however many years ago that was. You believe that shit? San-fuckin’-jaya.
Sinnamon Surprize of Sarasota, Florida
“When you’re thinking about truly great men, there are really only three: Jesus, Reagan, and Trump. Why wouldn’t I give up my right to vote if it means getting Trump into the White House where he belongs? You didn’t see the Virgin Mary bitching to the angel that she didn’t get a vote when she got knocked up by the Holy Spirit, did you? Hell no, ’cause she knew she was doing something for the greater good. I see myself kinda like that.”
After scrubbing our brains clean of the vox populi, we turned to noted experts for their take:
Dr. Alan Kirkwood, professor of Men’s Studies at Wombash College, one of the last remaining private, nonreligious men-only schools, said, “I stand firmly behind #repealthe19th. Women have enough choices in their lives these days: whole milk or 2%, disposable or cloth, paper or plastic, flats or heels. Why add the pressure of choosing the next leader of the free world?
“Women can hardly be trusted to choose which tie is best for lunch with the dean or which out-of-the-way restaurant is right for dinner with a mistress let alone who in this barely contained bedlam we call a government should decide what they can do with their bodies. Men are much better suited to making the tough decisions. There is a time and place for compassion, and the voting booth is not it. My advice to women who are upset and think that they should get to choose, well, anything in this world? Keep your feelings and emotions at home where they belong, and leave the dangerous decisions to the men. I mean, I would never presume to make your choices for you. But stick with the low-fat milk and always choose the heels. Nobody likes a fat girl in flats.”
Dr. Geraldine Grayson, who holds a PhD in Men’s studies from Harvard, had a different take. “I’ve spent the lion’s share of my professional career conducting invaluable research into the age-old conundrum, ‘Got damn, men, why ya brains broke?’ And frankly, we are running out of time to collect enough data to extricate ourselves from this quagmire.
“This election, which presents a choice between a male, sentient, Tang-colored, rancid meatloaf and a female, overly qualified, yet averagely flawed politician, has brought my studies front and center. Statistically, if it were just men voting, the male shit-sock would win in a landslide. If, however, only women voted, the entirely capable female candidate would win hands down. There can be only one scientific conclusion: Men are unable to think clearly and it’s time to take away their voting rights. Is this controversial? Sure. But let’s keep men where they belong—looking pretty in a firefighter calendar.
“As a young girl on the receiving end of purple-nurples and being asked seven times a day by seven older brothers to ‘pull my finger,’ I must confess that even then I suspected male brains were genetically inferior. It’s not their fault. They should stick to what they’re good at: fixing cars, laughing at fart jokes, and working mall security. Consider that testosterone has been proven to make men vote for bad candidates, wear beer hats, and be easily provoked to anger. In fact, in my lab, we have renamed testicles ‘anger-sacks.’ I put it to you: How can the average beer-hat-wearing man be trusted to vote with two anger-sacks in their pants? Simply, they can’t. That’s why I, and other leading female scientists, am working with lawmakers to roll back men’s rights. It’s for their own good.
“And the general good.”
*****
About the Authors
Contributors: E. R. Catalano (ZoevstheUniverse), Leslie (Pails and Fires), Melanie Loveday (TheNotSoSuperMom), and Elizabeth Argyropoulos (Bourgeois Alien)