Remember the days when purchasing Pringles didn’t require anxiety meds due to option overload? When coffee was either caffeinated or decaf? Remember when Oreos came in one flavor, and if you were feeling squirrely, you might have opted for the double stuff and perhaps dunked that bad boy into an ice cold glass of milk? Those were the good ole days — a simpler time before Starbucks interfered and completely blew our taste buds’ minds, causing us to question our previously pumpkinless existence.
It all started out so seemingly innocent. In 2003, Starbucks began searching for the perfect fall latte after witnessing the success of some of their other seasonal beverages. A sprinkling of cinnamon, a dab of nutmeg, and a pinch of clove later, some stoned guy in a Starbucks lab concocted the staple of every caffeine-addicted mother and hipster’s coffee fantasies — the Pumpkin Spice Latte.
But it didn’t stop there. Its initial success was only the beginning of what would eventually morph into a full-blown pumpkin spice apocalypse. Nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, was safe from its savory reach.
Fast forward to early fall 2015, and already you can almost smell the pumpkin in the air. The leaves are still months away from turning, and heat indexes remain at an all-time high, but we can sense it — the lattes are coming if not already here.
But not just lattes — pumpkin spice Oreos, Pringles, chai tea and candles. The options are endless, and the obsession is real. I love a good latte just as much as the next white girl, but I’ve got to say — this shit is getting out of hand.
Here are 10 rumored pumpkin spiced reasons why…
1. Pumpkin Spice Listerine Breath Strips – Nothing gives you the warm and fuzzies quite like making out with someone whose breath smells like Thanksgiving dinner, am I right?
2. Pumpkin Spice Body Scrub – Does your milkshake bring all the boys to the yard? It will with your new pumpkin spice body scrub, because you’re going to smell like a Yankee candle.
3. Pumpkin Spice Soy Milk – I’m glad someone is fighting for the right of the lactose intolerant. Denying them their right to seasonally overpriced milk substitutes would be downright prejudice.
4. Pumpkin Spice Protein Powder – Because nothing says, “I’m ready to pump some iron,” quite like a pumpkin-flavored protein shake.
5. Pumpkin Spice Printer Ink – Oh, you didn’t know? Your Masters degree in physics pales in comparison to that entry-level hipster who just typed his resume in pumpkin spice colored ink. Now, go add up your student loan debt and cry.
6. Pumpkin Spice Beef Jerky – Somewhere in Louisiana Phil Robertson is questioning his very existence on Earth.
7. Pumpkin Spice Low Carb Bread – No longer do your healthy choices have to taste like stale cardboard. Now your low carb options can taste like pumpkin-flavored stale cardboard. #winning
8. Pumpkin Spice Peeps – Because really, the true meaning of Easter lies within tiny, duck-shaped marshmallows sprinkled in sugar and hidden in plastic eggs, right? Not anymore – the resurrection just got hip.
9. Pumpkin Spice Vodka – It is a well-known fact that it’s more socially acceptable to over-consume pumpkin spice martinis in front of your great aunt Birdie if it’s in celebration of the holidays. Totally.
10. Pumpkin Spice Condoms – Because nothing says that you’re disease-free, gainfully employed, and enjoy reading poetry at open mic night more than a pumpkin spice condom. Safe sex game on fleek!
Hey, I get it. I love fall, too. The tolerable temperatures, the changing of the leaves, the wearing of the Uggs — I’m a fan of it all. But I draw a very definitive line at pumpkin spice condoms.
No. Just…no.