A popular suburban department store was brought to its knees this past Saturday as patrons, salespersons, and cashiers alike learned the compelling fact that babies actually cry in public.
The warm, yet breezy day started out like any other typical, busy shopping day for the upscale shop, Urbane Mommy: with an onslaught of attractive, Caucasian women in their 40s (who appear to be 27) fawning over blush-colored handbags and slouchy, boyfriend jeans.
As the herd of women shopped, carrying overpriced cafe mocha lattes topped with whipped cream, chocolate shavings, and angel tears while sporting oddly-patterned leggings, an unfamiliar noise jarred the shoppers, causing them to cover their ears and roll their kohl-rimmed eyes. One shopper was seen scrambling for a Xanax.
An Ugg sales associate whispered furiously to her coworkers, demanding to know, “What in the hell was that?”
Two patrons, both with contoured cheeks and noses, allegedly picked up their sleek iPhones in an effort to google the annoying screeching noise.
“Here I am trying to find the perfect pair of tattered, low-slung jeans to show off my abs, and I hear this unholy howl,” one shopper told an inquiring reporter. “Turns out the sound came from a baby,” she added incredulously.
The baby in question was 10-month old Maddie Hall. Dressed in a Paw Patrol top, crotch-buttoned jeans, and clutching her fav lovey, Lottie the Lion, little Maddie mystified staff and shoppers of Urbane Mommy when she began to cry.
Maddie’s mother, Pilar, a grief counselor who enjoys sewing Maddie’s clothes and making homemade baby food, had always thought she was a good mother until that fateful Saturday when her daughter decided to pitch a fit inside the shop.
“I mean, why does she have to make that screaming noise?” asked one irate shopper wearing a kicky, lemon-colored skirt and ballet flats. “Why can’t that thing simply tell her mother she is hungry or thirsty or made a gross mess in her diaper?”
Another shopper agreed and added, “My children never cried. These Millennial parents don’t know a thing about discipline.”
As young Maddie continued to yell, the Urbane Mommy patrons collectively decided they had enough. The group of women encircled Hall and her howling child, pointed with well-manicured fingers and chanted “Bad Mom! Bad Mom!”
Red-faced and reeling with shame, Hall desperately tried to comfort her baby to no avail. She finally was seen fleeing the store to the safety of her minivan, much to the relief of the shoppers.
In a statement to the press, Hall apologized to Urbane Mommy, citing that she thought people knew that babies cannot talk and therefore must cry as a way of communicating their needs. She promises never again to frequent Urbane Mommy and will now rely solely on Amazon for her shopping needs.
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About the Author
Claudia Caramiello is the ultimate slacker mom living the dolce life by following bliss, writing, and raising loud, albeit adorable boys. She survives single motherhood on caffeine, humor, and eating frosting out of the can. Her work has appeared on Scary Mommy, Bluntmoms, Her View From Home, and Elephant Journal. Find Claudia on Facebook at Espresso & Adderall and on her blog wordblush.com.