There are certain things we all expect when going to our children’s doctor’s appointments. A germ-infested playroom that you try, and fail, to keep your kid out of; a long wait-time where you peruse years-old editions of magazines in a fabric chair that smells like farts; and, of course, the assortment of children’s books you try to get your heathen to read so they’ll stop pulling out the stirrups on the exam table.
When UK mother, Katherine Peck, began reading one of the children’s books in the exam room, she got quite the surprise.
Peck undoubtedly experienced one of those parental “oh shit” moments as her son, Adem, opened up a book called “Mummy Laid an Egg!” While the book began innocently enough, things took an unexpectedly graphic turn when she was eyeballs-deep in the father character’s “seed pods.” Dick and balls. This children’s book has a drawing of a dick and balls in it.
But wait, there’s more. Clown sex. You heard me. This book, which is apparently considered a British cult classic, goes on to explain how mommies have babies with the help of daddies, clown costumes, and a variation of sexual positions and props.
Peck’s Facebook post where she documents the ordeal has gone viral, and rightfully so, as parents everywhere silently contemplate this what-the-fuckery.
Well!!! That doctor’s surgery visit took a surprising twist!….
Adem picked up this innocent enough looking book “Mummy Laid an Egg!”. (Haha, aren’t us mummies clever!!)
All began routinely enough, with ‘sugar and spice and all things nice’ and such, but I was ill prepared for the most sudden U-Turn on Page 6, where we’re introduced to Daddy’s friendly looking ‘seed pods’!
No holds barred on Pages 8 and 9 either, where apparently ‘this fits in here…’ (sounds easy enough) and then what can only be described as a child-friendly Kama Sutra guide ensues on Page 10! Aerial acrobatics, fetish clown outfits and space hoppers (fun times!)
To say Ayla (8) showed a sudden interest in the ‘silly baby book’, is an understatement! Cue the 4 billion questions I hadn’t planned answering today.
The book starts out with two parents trying to dance around the ins-and-outs of how mommies get knocked up, but the children in the story do what all our kids do: call us out on our epic bullshit. From there, it’s a blur of seeds and eggs and peens and vagines and clown hair and DEAR GOD, WHAT IS DADDY DOING TO MOMMY ON THAT SPACE HOPPER?
Good thing Peck has a sense of humor and works as a sex ed school teacher after this surprise introduction into baby making. And clown fetishes *shudder*.
Watch Peck re-cap the whole thing in this YouTube video she posted:
The whole idea of a Kama Sutra for parents encouraged some of us from Sammiches and Psych Meds to come up with some positions of our own. You’re welcome.
1. This Is Us for his and her pleasure
Here, we have your typical doggy-style, but with the popular tear-jerker This Is Us playing so you can use your tears as lube instead of going in dry.
2. Reverse Chow-Mein
He gets a view, you get to eat out in peace. Your take-out. In peace. Because a mom’s gotta do what a mom’s gotta do.
3. Mime Sex
The kids are asleep, and if you want to head onto #4, you better start using hand signals, write notes on a portable white board, whatever it takes.
4. The Praise The Lawd
Where you high-five invisible angels because you both got off and it’s a gawtdang miracle.
5. The Puckered Nope
Because he tried anal.
6. Standing Up
LOLOLOL, just kidding. Ain’t nobody got time or energy for that.
7. The Porcelain Throne
Where you straddle him while he’s taking a dump and you tweeze your chin hairs. This is who you are now.
8. The Panic Attack
Where you rock back and forth on top of him, in the fetal position.
Shoutout to these contributors:
Ramblin’ Mama, Crystal Lowery – Comedian, The Tina Situation, Funny (For A Girl)