Twitter user LEEK @malikbrazile tweeted a photo (which has since been deleted) that quickly went viral of a hand-written checklist allegedly left behind for his girlfriend who was babysitting for two parents. It’s not unusual for parents to leave instructions for babysitters or fill-in caretakers. I remember writing out directions for infant CPR the first time I left my son with my own mother for a date night. What is unusual, though, are the items on this hilarious checklist.
Because each item is so, so good, I want to savor this hilarious list of rules and tips by going through each one.
1. “I encourage the kids to watch as much TV as possible so they will leave me the hell alone. Feel free to do the same.”
Tip #1 is vital as a parent. Go ahead and shake your head and pretend you don’t do this, You Liar McLiarface.
Before we have kids, the concept of parents allowing their children to indulge in screen time is enough to make us turn up our nose in disgust. Then you actually have children and realize that screen time is key to your survival.
If you ever want to use the bathroom in peace, shower, cook, take a Buzzfeed quiz because the image of Dora has been burned into your retinas and if you have to stare back at her awkwardly in silence after she asks you a question one more time you’re gonna fucking explode, you’ve got to give your kid the remote, an iPad, your smartphone, a computer screen, all of it. Sure, the brightness on the screen is equal to that of a thousand blazing suns and is probably damaging your baby’s eyes. And?
2. “Don’t waste your valuable time cooking or providing healthy snacks. Just give them the pizza and snacks I leave.”
It’s not you, it’s them. Kids have been sent to this earth to shatter any and all hopes, plans, and expectations. “I’ll never have a picky-eater”: hahahahahahahahaha. Unless you want to experience deep, deep shame and depression, just give the kids what they want. Artificial dyes and coloring and chemicals up the wazoo, breaded and deep fried in preservatives.
Seriously, don’t waste your time. The kids will grow out of this stage soon enough. I think.
3. “They do still breastfeed on demand. Just download a video on YouTube. It’s not hard or I would not do it.”
The reason I know this is sarcasm is because breastfeeding is daunting af. Watch all the videos you want, read all the books and articles you want. Nothing can prepare you for the shit show that is breastfeeding. It hurts, it’s messy, it’s frustrating, there’s a learning curve, and you will flash a tit to unsuspecting friends, family members, the Fed Ex guy, it’s whatever.
4. “Do not take any kittens, candy, puppies from David or take a ride in his van.”
Um…who is David? Where is this magical cuddle van? And why are we not in it right now, grubbin’ on some snacks? This sounds awesome. Let’s GOOOOOOOOOO. Anyone who offers me kittens, candy, and puppies sounds like a stand-up citizen to me. Stop poor-shaming people for driving white, rickety, windowless vans. You’re what’s wrong with the world, Linda.
5. “If any of my neighbors come to the door, treat them like Jehovah’s witnesses. Don’t lend them any eggs/milk/cigarettes. They know where the store is. And -no-, you don’t want to babysit for them.”
First you want my eggs/milk/cigarettes, and now you want to take up my only source of child-free bliss? How about blow me, Craig? I see how you mow your lawn, in a diagonal pattern, aggressively aimed in the direction of my house. What are you? Some kind of suburban gangster marking your turf?
Being neighborly is overrated in my opinion. I’d much rather clench my butthole as I lay on my couch in my underwear, channeling the third stage of death for 10 minutes until I’m certain you’ve left than hand you any of my Egg Land’s Best.
6. “Let the kids have as much sugar as they want, as long as they will go away. They take pills to sleep anyway.”
Make like the crazy pigeon lady, pulling out seeds from your bird-turd-splattered trench coat, and just throw sugar everywhere. Make it look like a Winter Wonderland. Who cares if your kids look like Tyrone Biggums from The Chappelle Show? At least they’re not bothering you.
7. “If you have any boys over just make sure they have an Uncle/Dad/Brother/friend that I can call later.”
Listen, if you’re going to participate in fornication with strange men, at least hook a sister up, too.
8. “Don’t answer the house phone unless you feel like paying bills.”
Who even calls landlines, anyway? “Princes” from Saudi Arabia and debt collectors, that’s who.
9. “If you look through my drawers, please throw away overdue bills and gum wrappers.”
Don’t glance in my drawers; it’s just a sad glimpse into your future, young childless one. Gone are the days of fancy, matching underwear sets. All I’ve got are bras I’ve pulled the underwire out of and underwear that look like they’ve survived cannonball blasts from the Civil War era.
10. “Do not believe ANYTHING the kids tell you.”
Especially if said things are that I am anything less than a stellar mother who is always put-together and an all-around Good Time Charlie.
I totally play on the floor with my kids for more than 10 minutes, never do the math for how many hours there still are until bedtime, feed them healthful snacks, and do crafts and stuff. See that sign on the wall? “Live, laugh, love”? That’s my gotdamn motto. I live, laugh, love af. Every moment of every day.
In response to the most duh-rific question ever, whether this checklist was a joke or a prank, @malikbrazile tweeted, “We still tryna figure out if that’s a joke or not.”