Humor Parenting SPM/MM

Our Guide to Everything Moms DON’T Want for Valentine’s Day

From unnecessary accessories to vaginal accouterments (“accooterments” if you will), these are the gifts that moms definitely don’t want this Valentine’s Day:

1. Valentine-themed clothing and accessories

For just $9,300 you can get this heart-shaped fur coat that would be appropriate to wear for exactly one day out of the year. Seriously? For almost $10,000 it better be made from the actual hearts of my enemies.

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For $1,250 you can buy these Prada shoes that look like they’re made from various parts of other shoes. They also look like my 5-year-old has already covered them in stickers. You can find them at Nordstrom. (That’s right, Ivanka, they dropped your line but kept gems like these.)

2. Pretty much any item that uses the word “yoni” it its description

These healing crystal dildos, for example. Available from a company called Chakrubs (because of course), these dildos bring healing powers to otherwise boring and useless masturbation. And they run from$100- $300.

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Then there are jade eggs that, according to Gwyneth Paltrow’s website, increase chi, orgasms, vaginal muscle tone, hormonal balance, and “feminine energy in general.” I think I speak for all women here when I say, “We like our vaginas Gwyneth and GOOP-free; please stop telling us what you think we should put in them.”

Then there are a variety of vagina pendants to choose from, which I wrote about last month and described as the gift I never knew I never wanted. I definitely don’t want a necklace from this “I see myself in you” collection pictured here.

3. Whatever the fuck this shit is

This thigh gap jewelry (which I’m pretty sure isn’t real) left me wondering, “What vaginal accessories will be available next year?” It almost looks like it could double as a whistle. What’s next? A harmonicunt? Or, if it’s strictly for decoration, think of all the things we could dangle between our thighs! I’m looking at you, truck nuts.

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Then there are PIZZA PASTIES (which absolutely are real) for when…? I have no idea why someone would want pizza stickers on their nipples, honestly.

Then there’s this pillow with a built-in right arm, which I’m assuming you buy for a woman if a) you go away on a lot of business trips, b) you’re in prison, or c) you think your lady friend would really get a kick out of re-enacting the Samuel L. Jackson arm scene from Jurassic Park.

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And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen: our guide to things moms absolutely don’t want for Valentine’s Day. What moms actually want is some booze, some chocolate, and to be left the hell alone for a while so they can binge-watch Netflix or just take a goddamn nap.