MockMom

Other Household Items Used as Surveillance Devices

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By MockMom Contributors

This week, Kellyanne Conway alleged that microwaves could be used as surveillance devices. Don’t believe her? Here’s her most recent selfie:

What Kellyanne failed to mention were the other numerous household items that are also being used to spy on you and your family by the FBI, CIA, NSA, etc. Well, get your tinfoil hats ready, because this list is going to blow your conspiracy-loving minds:

Coffee pots

Wooden spoons

Ovens (Remember, just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the government isn’t watching you make Chef Boyardee ravioli–AGAIN!–for your kid and judging you.)

Washing Machines

Dryers

The iron you thought was only being used to fuse those stupid plastic beads together that your kids won’t stop obsessing over

Refrigerators

Build-A-Bears (To infiltrate the homes of upper middle class families that are willing to drop $90 on a fucking stuffed animal.)

Cats

Baby monitors

Harry Potter books

Flat irons (Which recently recorded a riveting conversation I had with my husband while he was on the toilet: we were discussing why parents teach boys to wipe front to back even though they aren’t at risk for UTIs.)

Shower heads (They have a direct feed to Oval Office.)

Toilets (They also provide leaks to the Oval Office.)

Sinks

Blenders (They’ll find out I never make kale smoothies like the other moms, but peanut butter milkshakes!)

Toasters

Dishwashers

Computers (They know everything you masturbate to.)

Televisions

Ceiling fans

Vacuums (We suggest you stop using them immediately, just to be safe.)

Couches

Walls

Plants (They’re actually an alien species that has been silently observing and plotting a takeover. Hopefully sooner than later.)

Clothes hangers

All the drugs you’re taking to believe this crap

We suggest putting all of the above household items through extreme vetting to make sure they don’t turn on you, or at least adjust their settings to ensure they apply the most flattering filters as they spy on your family.

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Special thanks to the following contributors:

Elizabeth Argyropoulos, Anna Gracia, Jennifer Rosen Heinz, Karen Johnson, Andrew Knott, Amber Leventry, Liv by Surprise, Crystal Lowery, Joanna McClanahan, and Joel Ryan.