This has been quite the year for fashion, and I don’t mean that in a good way.
First, we had vagina necklaces. Then we had boner brooches. And because donning genitalia-based jewelry wasn’t enough, we had to add plastic hooker shoes and mom jeans with plastic knee cutouts.
And it seems clothing manufacturers still weren’t satisfied, because now we have CLEAR PLASTIC JEANS. Like, the whole ensemble is clear. And plastic. At 55 pounds (that’s 70.40 US dollars), no less. I wish I were kidding.
It’s like fashion designers got together and were like, “You know what 2017 is? The year of plastic. Let’s make it all plastic. Let’s just give every woman on the planet one raging, year-long UTI from baking in unbreathable, Saran-Wrap-inspired body tents from head to toe. But let’s also add vag and peen accessories because OF COURSE.”
I cannot for the life of me conceive of a single situation in which clear plastic jeans (Can we even call them jeans? NO BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT MADE OF DENIM MY GOD WHAT IS GOING ON?) would be a logical choice. Unless, of course, you live someplace where it rains constantly. Non-stop. For eternity.
Or you have always wanted to be a human squeegee.
Or you feel like standard condoms aren’t quite enough.
Or your parents raised you in a bubble and you feel like you want to continue the tradition and walk around in a literal, swampy-ass bubble as an adult.
Or you’re willing to try anything to lose weight, including fogging yourself to death in your own body heat.
Or your partner has a Hazmat fetish.
Or YOU have a Hazmat fetish.
Or you have officially given away the last fuck you’re ever going to have and you want to declare to the world that you are out of every fuck that ever fucked.
Or you never want to be fucked.
Or you desperately want to be fucked (in the wallet).
Or you’re confused about how clothes work.
I seriously bet designers are having a trolling contest with each other, coming up with the most asinine items they can think of just to see how many dipshits will actually purchase this crap because THERE IS NO OTHER LOGICAL EXPLANATION FOR WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. None.
Sadly, I’m certain there is no shortage of consumers walking around, slipping and sliding in their own hot crotch seepage this very moment.
And I’m not sure I want to live on this planet anymore. (Maybe I should buy a pair after all. Probably space suitable.)
