Mother’s Day is less than 2 months away, so it’s time to start dropping hints about what you’re hoping to unwrap this year. If you’re searching the perfect gift, may I suggest these Clear Knee Mom Jeans from Nordstrom?

For the bargain price of $95, you can let everyone know that you’ve given up on life and show off your knee wrinkles at the same time. That’s right, ladies — ripped jeans are out and denim that doubles as a shower curtain liner is in.

I actually find it kind of insulting to call these mom jeans. For one thing, I don’t know any mothers who feel comfortable spending nearly a hundred bucks on themselves — we’re typically way more clearance rack than couture. Plus, whoever named these pants has obviously never met a mom.

Reasons most of us would never flash our knees in public include:

• We don’t shave that far up our legs.
• That’s where our stretch marks and cellulite begin.
• Our legs would look alarmingly similar to uncooked hot dogs wrapped in saran wrap.

Also, if we didn’t have fabric covering our knees and thighs, where would we wipe our hands after fishing boogers out of our kids’ noses? And for me personally, a person so pasty white I often border on translucent, walking around in these pants would probably permanently damage the vision of anyone who looked upon my deathly pallor.

The “slick plastic panels” are supposed to have a “futuristic feel” according to the product description, and while I’m sure there’s a hipster strolling through Brooklyn right now wearing these un-ironically, I can’t help but wonder if Nordstrom isn’t just trolling rich people at this point. After all, this is the company that also offered a rock wrapped in leather for $85 — WHICH SOLD OUT!

I guess if you know people will buy dressy pet rocks, pants with knee windows seem like a no-brainer.