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New Study Says Elderly More Likely to Die of Old Age Than Younger People

By Lauren Salkin of Think Spin

A recent study on aging sent shock waves across the AARP community last week, killing several seniors in a multi-walker pileup at a bingo hall. The 30-year study funded by the Institute of Really Old People found that “Americans 69 and older were more likely to die of old age than younger Americans.”

Not surprising to Emily Applegate, author of ‘Why You Shouldn’t Buy the Elderly a Magazine Subscription.’

“For years, scientists have been researching the correlation between the elderly and dying of old age,” Applegate said. “But they were never able to connect the dots until now.”

When pressed for an answer on why “the dots couldn’t be connected,” Applegate responded, “The older scientists didn’t remember where they left their notes.”

Though Applegate was optimistic about the study’s impact on the elderly, she was concerned about the effects of other age-related conditions, “such as Birthday Dementia, Sagging Breast Syndrome and Multiple Cats in Apartment Disorder.” Applegate told an AARP spokesperson, “The study wasn’t able to explore this further because test subjects had exceeded their “best if used by dates.”

No one knows better then Emily Applegate of the disturbing and often negative consequences of becoming an elderly American. “As soon as I turned 69, they shut off my cable,” Applegate said. “When I asked why, I was told ‘because of the 69 Rule.’”

Cable Company officials refused to comment on the 69 Rule and their policy of “purging old people from their subscriber lists,” instead releasing the following statement:

The Cable Company does not discriminate against the elderly, including people with gray hair or skin that looks like wrinkled slacks, though you can iron wrinkled slacks. The 69 Rule was implemented after an excess of calls from older, hard of hearing customers who say, “What? What?” a lot or ask questions like, “If I reboot my computer will the lights go out?”

When Cable Company CEO Phillips Brightbulb was questioned by reporters if the company’s 69 Rule was considered ageism, Brightbulb said, “It’s only ageism if you add ‘ism’ after age.”

Applegate confirmed the rise in ageism complaints after the study’s findings were released. “It’s sad when the results of important research harms the very people it purports to help. By understanding the correlation between old age and dying, elder-service providers can focus on helping the elderly make end of life decisions in a timely, stress-free manner – rather than waiting until Nana checks out during a dinner with the grandkids,” as was the case with Applegate’s own family. “It’s difficult to explain to a three-year-old why Nana fell face first into a plate of mashed potatoes.”

Concerning her own mortality and dealing with ageism, Applegate didn’t hold back. “I’m a bestselling author with a substantial royalty deal. I can sue anyone who attempts to harm me.” When asked what the less fortunate should do if they face similar problems with ageism, she said, “Go write a book!”

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About the Author

A lifelong ADDer and pop-culture enthusiast, Lauren lives in Connecticut with her husband, son and two adopted mutts. Her writing has appeared in various newspapers as well as in ByLine Magazine, Front Porch Syndicate, Shroud Magazine, AtomicReach.com, BlazingMinds.co.uk, MomBloggersClub.com, SammichesPsychMeds.com, and The Huffington Post. Lauren writes humor and satire at her blog Think Spin. You can also find her on Facebook and Twitter @thinkspin.