It’s that time of the year again. The smell of gingerbread, cocoa, and peppermint is in the air and everyone’s getting into the Christmas spirit.
For parents, the holidays come with their very own set of challenges. Some got roped into the Elf on the Shelf shit show, some are trying to keep the ruse of Santa alive, Pinterest moms are making the rest of us feel inadequate with all their effing crafts and holiday decor.
Many of us have been teaching our children what the meaning of this holiday is all about through stories and carols. And while we’re trying to make childhoods magical, we’re low key losing our goddamned minds over the pressures that come with the Holiday Season: Christmas shopping, dealing with extended family, our kids insisting on clumping all the ornaments on a single tree branch. Somebody pass me the spiked egg nog, stat.
If you’re in need of some comic relief, we’ve got you covered with momified parodies of some of your favorite X-mas stories and carols. We wish you a margarita. Or three.
BABY, IT’S TIME FOR BED by Mommy Cusses
I’m really not tired – Baby it’s time for bed
I’ve got to go potty again – Baby cut that shit out
This episode of Caillou has been – Been a complete shitastrophe, now let me tuck you in
As fun to watch the fifth time in a row – I really hate that effing kid
I might have bad dreams – Please just go to sleep
My stuffed animals might get cold – I’m pretty sure that’s not even a thing
So really I’d better stay awake – Mommy’s about to lose her shit
Can I have some more water – No chance in hell, I’m not waking up at 3 to change your sheets
Does the moon have a heartbeat? – I really need a drink
Say, do worms have teeth? – No, because they don’t need them to feast on the souls of children who don’t sleep
I wish I knew how – Let’s play the “How Long Can You Keep Your Eyes Closed” now
To count to infinity – Why don’t you try while counting sheep
My favorite word is no, no, no – Before kids, this is the time I’d be heading out to go to the clubs
Can you read me another story? – Once upon a time, you weren’t even listening, so everyone in the book dies, The End
I’m really hungry – My sanity is wearing thin
Ah, but it’s time for bed
My eyes feel heavy – Dear God, finally
Did I hear Daddy open some chips? – Dammit, what is this, amateur hour?
You’re the best mommy ever – Those words make everything worth it
I peed on the cat – It’s all right, she needed a bath
I have a huge project due tomorrow – Wine should drown my sorrows
I said I’d bring sugar-free cupcakes – I’m pretty sure that’s an oxy moron
I forgot my lovey downstairs – Of course you did
Ah, but it’s time for bed
Oh, mommy, I’m not even tired
THE 12 DAYS OF PARENTING A TODDLER by The 21st Century SAHM
On the first day of Christmas my toddler gave to me…
A poopy diaper that was ru-u-u-nyyyyy.
On the second day of Christmas my toddler gave to me…
Two wet kisses
And a poopy diaper that was ru-u-u-nyyyyy.
On the third day of Christmas my toddler gave to me…
Three naps refused
Two wet kisses
And a poopy diaper that was ru-u-u-nyyyyy.
On the fourth day of Christmas my toddler gave to me…
Four Paw Patrols
Three naps refused
Two wet kisses
And a poopy diaper that was ru-u-u-nyyyyy.
On the fifth day of Christmas my toddler gave to me…
Fiiiiiiiive temper tantrums!!!!
Four Paw Patrols
Three naps refused
Two wet kisses
And a poopy diaper that was ru-u-u-nyyyyy.
On the sixth day of Christmas my toddler gave to me…
Six meals-a-hating
Fiiiiiiiive temper tantrums!!!!
Four Paw Patrols
Three naps refused
Two wet kisses
And a poopy diaper that was ru-u-u-nyyyyy.
On the seventh day of Christmas my toddler gave to me…
Seven toys-a-breaking
Six meals-a-hating
Fiiiiiiiive temper tantrums!!!!
Four Paw Patrols
Three naps refused
Two wet kisses
And a poopy diaper that was ru-u-u-nyyyyy.
On the eighth day of Christmas my toddler gave to me…
Eight cups-a-spilling
Seven toys-a-breaking
Six meals-a-hating
Fiiiiiiiive temper tantrums!!!!
Four Paw Patrols
Three naps refused
Two wet kisses
And a poopy diaper that was ru-u-u-nyyyyy.
On the ninth day of Christmas my toddler gave to me…
Nine crayons-a-chewing
Eight cups-a-spilling
Seven toys-a-breaking
Six meals-a-hating
Fiiiiiiiive temper tantrums!!!!
Four Paw Patrols
Three naps refused
Two wet kisses
And a poopy diaper that was ru-u-u-nyyyyy.
On the tenth day of Christmas my toddler gave to me…
Ten pants-a-peeing
Nine crayons-a-chewing
Eight cups-a-spilling
Seven toys-a-breaking
Six meals-a-hating
Fiiiiiiiive temper tantrums!!!!
Four Paw Patrols
Three naps refused
Two wet kisses
And a poopy diaper that was ru-u-u-nyyyyy.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my toddler gave to me…
Eleven crafts-a-gluing
Ten pants-a-peeing
Nine crayons-a-chewing
Eight cups-a-spilling
Seven toys-a-breaking
Six meals-a-hating
Fiiiiiiiive temper tantrums!!!!
Four Paw Patrols
Three naps refused
Two wet kisses
And a poopy diaper that was ru-u-u-nyyyyy.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my toddler gave to me…
Twelve snacks demanding
Eleven crafts-a-gluing
Ten pants-a-peeing
Nine crayons-a-chewing
Eight cups-a-spilling
Seven toys-a-breaking
Six meals-a-hating
Fiiiiiiiive temper tantrums!!!!
Four Paw Patrols
Three naps refused
Two wet kisses
And a poopy diaper that was ru-u-u-nyyyyy.
AWAY IN THE SUBURBS by My Questionable Life
Away in the suburbs, no room in her bed
The sleep deprived mommy wanted to lay down her head
The night lights in her bedroom shone brightly that night
The sleep deprived mommy knew she’d be alright
Her husband is snoring, the baby awakes
The sleep deprived mommy is starting to shake
I love you, sweet family, she says with a sigh
But y’all drive me crazy and that is no lie
Oh coffee, I beg you, help me survive this day
I’ll love you forever, my kids are cray-cray
Bless all of my children and my husband too
I’d hate to lose my shit and end up on the news
I’M DREAMING OF MY PRE-BABY BODY by Mommy Cusses
I’m dreaming of my pre-baby body
Like the perky ass I used to flaunt
Before stretchmarks that glisten and hair on my chin
And loose skin on my lower abdomen
I’m dreaming of my pre-baby body
With every single pound I gain
My husband dropped five pounds by not drinking soda
I gained three looking at chocolate in a magazine
I’m dreaming of my pre-baby body
Like the supple breasts I used to own
When my skin wasn’t wrinkly
And my thighs didn’t sound like thunder and lightning when they touch
I’m dreaming of my pre-baby body
With every single carb I eat
Timehop on Facebook defies me with slender selfies
But I can still wear workout clothing and no one will ever be the wiser
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS: THE MOMMY EDITION by Close to Classy
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
the kids were all screaming and running about.
The stockings were hung, but the place was a wreck,
if Santa showed up he’d break his damn neck.
I yelled to the kids, “PLEASE! JUST GO TO BED!”
They made crazy requests until I saw red.
“You guys go to sleep, I’m sick of this crap!”
Then after they dozed I poured a night cap.
When out from the garage there arose such a clatter
I sprang from the couch to see what was the matter.
Down the long hall, I flew like a flash
I tripped on a toy, and knocked over the trash.
As I lay on the floor in pain from my fall
my husband walked in with gifts from the mall.
“What are you doing?” He said with a pause.
“I’m losing my mind, and these kids are the cause!”
I checked on the kids who were finally asleep,
then I filled all the stockings without making a peep.
As I placed the last gift neatly under the tree
I heard a small voice, “I have to go pee.”
To the bathroom we went, then right back to bed,
I gave him a hug and a kiss on the head.
“Now, you stay in bed.” I said as a warning,
“The next time I see you it’ll be Christmas morning!”
As I stood in the light of our Charlie Brown tree,
I noticed a package, from Santa to me.
The writing was small and the wrapping undone,
I knew right away, it was a gift from my son.
I felt the warm tears and a lump in my throat,
as I picked up the package and read the small note.
“I love you mommy, cause you always care.
I didn’t have money, so I wrapped up my bear.”
And just when I thought I was falling apart,
the love of my son had melted my heart.
They may make me crazy, but we’ll be alright,
‘cause I saw all that mattered on that Christmas night.
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