Recently Jeremy McKeen of Nerdy Dad Shirt sat down with God and Mrs. God at their Maine home to ask about several topics, but mainly about the pressing matter of body issues, body shaming, and the meaning of life.
JM: Thank you for having me. You have a lovely home.
GOD: It’s no Mt. Olympus or the desert, but it gets really great Wi-Fi on a clear day and there’s a new Starbucks drive-thru one town over.
Mrs. GOD: And he has his little shed where he can tinker.
GOD: And there’s that. She has the garden too.
JM: So a lot of the blogosphere and the national media in the past few weeks have been obsessed with this new concept of “DadBod” which is essentially a man’s somewhat flabby physique, vis a vis Leonardo DiCaprio and the average college age male with a little bit of a beer gut.
Mrs. GOD: Oh, yes, it’s all the rage.
GOD: Kids these days. In my days, men were cut and women wore flowing robes and such.
Mrs. GOD: I blame it on jeggings. For centuries women were satisfied with layered linens and roped material, and now it’s all yoga pants and bikinis.
JM: So you’re aware of the “DadBod” obsession in the media?
GOD: We read the blogs. I was thinking of starting my own, but I don’t want to have to pay for anything.
Mrs. GOD: I told him there are plenty of WordPress formats for free.
GOD: That’s not what I was saying.
JM: So seeing as you two are the progenitors of the human race, any input on body issues or the fact that “DadBod” is kind of a cute, kitschy thing while “MomBod” seems to be something to lose in time for the beach or a magazine cover? Or even hide?
Mrs. GOD: Well, let me take this one. I’ve given birth to roughly 400 billion souls, and if that doesn’t give you a little tummy and some extra meat on the haunches, I don’t know what will. Old Thunderbolt here has had his DadBod since forever.
GOD: It kind of goes with the beard. As long as you have broad shoulders and a little definition in the chest, women don’t care.
Mrs. GOD: Don’t get him started.
GOD: I mean, what, I had my heyday. My appearance didn’t matter. I once impregnated a woman while taking the form of a swan. And then there was that time with that girl from Nazareth. I’ll never hear the end of that. (Awkward silence).
JM: And what about the double standard for women? Why do you think there is no “MomBod” fascination?
GOD: Look, if a man finds a female desirable, then what’s the problem? Men are dirtbags. Literally, they’re all made from dirt. But women, oh, there’s something beautifully evil about them. They must be perfect. Women know that. Women even know that men don’t really care what they look like, as long as they can show them off or give birth to warriors or other Demigods. Have you seen these trolls that pass for humans around Earth? These misshapen forms walking around texting all the time? The average man or woman – they’re no cover models, I’ll tell you. But men know that women know that men want the perfect shapes and all that, even as a fantasy, and that’s how money is made. Women are either mothering men or trying to please them. As it should be.
Mrs. GOD: And – well, I guess he’s kind of right. So much smarter than his brothers.
JM: So it’s just a marketing strategy? I mean, are you serious? What about equal rights and all that?
GOD: Everything is a marketing strategy. I had to evade being eaten by my own father. If my mother hadn’t really sold that stone wrapped in a blanket to my dad, there’d be no Gods. Imagine a world without Gods! It’d be chaos.
JM: So as for DadBod, it’s just a silly notion to make men feel better about being a little out of shape?
Mrs. GOD:Â Oh, of course. But that Seth Rogen, I like him. But it seems like he gets less funny in every movie that he makes. You know, he was thin for that Green Arrow movie.
GOD: It was the Green Hornet. And that Jason Segel is so talented, but always with the penis. In like every movie. I mean, I get it. But come on. Even I got tired of the Greeks always doing everything naked all the time.
JM: And what about the impossibly high standard for women post-baby? You can’t pass a magazine stand without seeing a celebrity showing off her – and it’s always a her – body a few months after having a baby.
GOD: I don’t know. They sell ads. People need to buy whatever garbage they’re selling these days. Again, men don’t care. Women care. Women are a plague, but a well needed plague.
[/nextpage] [nextpage title=”Page 2″ ]Mrs. GOD: Ugh. He’s such a man. Let me tell you something, and I’m going to get deep here. Until maybe a hundred years ago, none of these humans were living very long, and since then and back through time and memoriam, most women were having babies at very young ages. Their bodies would bounce back. But today you all are living to be way too old and having babies later, when your metabolism has slowed to half-mast and then one-quarter-mast. If you have all your babies by the age of twenty, like we intended, there wouldn’t be any DadBods or MomBods to be silly about. It’s simple. Plus you all eat too much. Back in the day it was all wheat and lamb and olives. Now everything is full of sugar.
GOD: What? Look, my daughter, Helen, was the most beautiful woman on the planet. Started a ten year war. Who wouldn’t want to look like her? She didn’t run for president or cure scurvy; she was just pretty. The prettiest. All the men wanted her. She wasn’t some Olivia Pope or Hillary Clinton character who has it all.
Mrs. GOD: These celebrities, it’s all they have – their looks. Women are smart to know the difference. Well, some women. But celebrities aren’t real people, so I’m not worried.
JM: So you follow the celebrity shows and culture?
Mrs. GOD: I watch from time to time, usually after the nightly news. I also watch the Kardashians and the Duggars every now and then when nothing is on.
GOD: Thankfully you can turn off Omniscience when you want. Ignorance is a blessing. (To Mrs. GOD) A whole world of opportunity and genius, though, and you watch this drivel?
Mrs. GOD: What? It’s well produced.
GOD: I don’t know how you keep track of them all.
Mrs. GOD: It’s pretty easy, Dummy. Kim’s the popular and most prettiest one with the sex tape and the big ass. And Kanye and the baby. The Duggars are the ones who can’t stop having babies and getting married.
GOD: I know who they are. (GOD winks at interviewer).
Mrs. GOD: And you could even say the Duggars beat the whole “MomBod” notion by wearing those awful denim form-covering clothes all the time.
GOD: Well, the whole world can’t stop having babies and getting married. It’s a whole thing, apparently.
JM: Ok, and while we’re at it, any advice about marriage?
GOD: Well, we’re not in a traditional marriage, so our whole thing works. But marriage is overrated. If you can find that special someone you don’t want to cheat on or destroy, then it might just be true love. Or your sister. I’m really not the best one to ask about this.
Mrs. GOD: We’re just a crazy old couple, keeping the Universe going.
JM: And specifically, on the topic of same-sex marriage in the U.S., I’m sure the public would love to hear your thoughts.
GOD: Well, marriage is between a man and his property, the way men intended it to be.
Mrs. GOD: You mean a woman and her property.
GOD: Exactly.
JM: And – I have to ask – could you put an end to all of the suffering in the world?
GOD: Oh, that old chestnut. Mortals have been asking that for eons. Well, you seem nice. I’m sure you’ll figure it out. But most of these humans, they just fight about every little thing, no matter what the option or solution. It’s like you’re cursed to be the way you are.
Mrs. GOD: There’s only so much we can do. We’re not really hands-on entities unless there’s a big war or something.
JM: So there’s nothing you can do?
GOD: Well, we’re not genies. You all were like an after thought. We’re surprised you kept things going like you did! You’re all going to Hades anyway, so it doesn’t matter. I mean, I say that in the nicest way possible. Everybody goes to Hades when they die. It’s awful. So enjoy your time here now.
Mrs. GOD: Except for all the pollution and wars, you mortals have done a great job. Well, we Gods kind of enjoy the wars. It’s like March Madness for us.
JM: Well, thank you for your time.
GOD and Mrs. GOD: Anytime.
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