By Mandy Waysman of ohmandelynn.com
One mom seeks to capitalize on the Trump magic by using his speech writing prowess to her advantage. Of course, she would rather just have Russia hack their brains and be done, but that wasn’t an option this time.
Plus, all the words he uses are small enough for her 7 and 5-year-old to understand. It’s so crazy, it just might work.
Below is an excerpt from her planned remarks for the morning. Wish her luck.
“Well, the bedtime routine, it came out pretty well. The next time, though, we will triple the amount of time we get to sleep or even quadruple the number. We want to get the most sleep of anyone ever in the history of the world, right? At least 51% more sleep.
“Well, this chore list, so this, our little breakfast, our time together this morning. Hi, first born daughter, Sophie. How are you? A few notes. During this month we are going to do more to honor your parents that have tremendous history. I mean, they have a lot of significance in this dining room, in the whole house, right? And your parents made sacrifices, they worked hard, had faith… in America.
“I’ve gotten a real glimpse during this marriage into your father’s life. I go around to different places with him that I wasn’t real familiar with. Places that have manly, disgusting smells. They are incredible people, though, those men. I want to thank your father, who’s going to head up the chore list. That’s a big job. That’s a job that has not only chores, but it’s mind and spirit. Right, Dad? And you kids understand no one is going to be better than your dad.
“Last month, we celebrated a lot of things. There was a lot of American history celebrated. We read a lot about Martin Luther King Jr. and we discussed him a lot. You remember Martin Luther King Jr., right? There was that fake news story about the statue being removed from Trump’s office that I have only heard from him and his people… but they keep claiming that the press said it and got it wrong. I have no doubt that story was maybe told, but I wasn’t even aware of it. Fake news, though. All fake news. Trump cherishes that statue. It’s one of his favorite things in the—and he said they have lot of good things. Also, you know he has good taste in things because he likes that gaudy gold on everything. The thing to take from this, kids, is that Trump didn’t take the statue out of there. It was unfortunate the press said that. However, Trump continuously harping on it is somehow going to make that situation better.
“Trump is proud of other things, too. He can name-drop some African Americans. For example, Frederick Douglass. He doesn’t know that he isn’t alive right now. Don’t worry, though, I’m sure that is somehow the fake media’s fault.
“Also, Omarosa is very nice. You see on the show, she was famous for being an awful person. It’s a mystery why she and Trump would get along so well. However, he thinks she’s really very nice.
“Now, for the chores. You guys have been there from the very start of our list making. You’ve been helpful and very special. I mean that.
“So I want to thank everybody for being here.”
About the Author
Mandy Waysman is a blogger, wife, and mom to two daughters. You can find her work on the Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, In The Powder Room, BonBon Break, humorwriters.org, Sammiches & Psych Meds, and other parenting sites. She has more personality than this bio would lead you to believe. For proof please follow her as she becomes a regular contributor on losethecape.com and her current blog ohmandelynn.com. You can also find her on Facebook and Twitter.