By Kristen Brakeman of kristenbrakeman.com
There’s a new line of perfume made especially for the maternal woman in your life!
Moms are tired of receiving ridiculously overpriced perfume named after pampered celebrities who never age.
Introducing MÉRE: a new line of five scents designed especially for the modern mom, created to capture her every mood. Scents that will make her think, “This is how I’m feeling today, so that’s how I want to smell.”
The five scents of MÉRE:
1. ANGER – For those days when pretty much everything pisses you off. Like when your husband casually suggests that you spend your day researching new car insurance options and, oh, can you also call the plumber because the bathroom faucet is leaking, ‘cause what the hell else did you have planned since the kids are at school and you’ve got nothing but time, right?
Then your son texts to say that he forget his lunch and it’s obviously your fault for not reminding him and he needs you to drop it off during morning break between 10:12 and 10:17 a.m., but you’ll need to get there a half-hour before so you can find a visitor’s parking spot.
Then, finally, your boss calls and says aren’t you about done with your maternity leave because there’s a new client who needs personalized attention and maybe he’ll have to promote your assistant because she seems like a real go-getter, always staying late without complaining like you do. Mére … Anger.
2. DISMAY – Perfect for those WTF mothering moments, like when your toddler paints the wall with his poo poo, or your preschooler comes out to say hello to guests at your dinner party buck naked, or when your college-aged daughter comes home from Thanksgiving sporting a skull tattoo: “WTF is that thing on your leg! You mean it’s permanent?”
Time for Mére Dismay.
3. ANGST – For those times when maternal concern morphs into overwhelming, crushing anxiety. Because what if Maddy doesn’t get the financial aid package at the fancy college like she’s been counting on and then you have to tell her that she’ll need to work as a waitress to save money and attend community college first, but then you worry that if she does that she’ll probably enjoy making money and think, “Why should I even bother getting a degree?” So then she’ll waste her 20s waitressing and going out on auditions where, surely, she’ll meet an actor and fall in love and the two of them will live together, never having real jobs, not to mention a retirement plan or health insurance!
Mére Angst.
4. REGRET – It’s 2:30 p.m. and the dirty breakfast dishes are still on the sink, mount laundry is in a giant pile on your bedroom floor, and your baby only just now fell asleep for her afternoon nap, 10 minutes before it’s time to put her in the car to pick up her older sister. And, you haven’t taken a shower.
Then your college BFF calls saying she’s in town for a big dinner meeting, only her client canceled and now she has a super hard-to-get reservation at that new sushi place profiled in the Times and no one to share it with, so how bout you throw on your trendiest outfit and get yourself across town in rush hour traffic to meet her? You say ‘yes,’ of course, because it’s your best friend in the world so why wouldn’t you, but then you remember that your husband won’t be home for another two hours and you have two children under the age of 7.
And, oh yeah, you’re pregnant with your third so why are you even thinking about having saki and sushi anyway? Mére Regret.
And finally . . .
5. GUILT – Designed for everyday use, and only available in bulk. Apply it before saying, “Sure, honey, I don’t mind if you don’t come home for summer break. I did paint your bedroom for you, but I guess I could rent it out to someone who appreciates a nice place to live. And don’t trouble yourself to come home for Mother’s Day weekend, because I know how busy you are. I’m sure I can find something to do. Maybe I’ll spend the day transferring your baby pictures to the computer.” Mére Guilt: for all the time.
GIFT WITH PURCHASE! For a limited time, yours with any Mére purchase: a ¼ ounce trial size of MÉRE JOY perfume (This amount is all you’ll ever need).
*****
About the Author
Kristen Hansen Brakeman’s comedic essays have appeared in the New York Times Motherlode, The Huffington Post, The Washington Post, Working Mother Magazine, Scary Mommy, and Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop, where she was recently named Humor Writer of the Month. Her first book, Is That The Shirt You’re Wearing? will be released by Tidal Press on May 5 and is available on Amazon. You can find more from her on kristenbrakeman.com, Facebook, and on Twitter @KristenBrakeman.