Parenting

I’m Sick of Hearing About Your Breastfeeding Bond

By Kristina Johnson

Before I begin, let me make one thing abundantly clear: I support breastfeeding with every ounce (pun intended) of my being, and I’ve been exclusively breastfeeding my daughter since she was born. I think it’s amazing that our bodies come with the built in ability to feed and nourish our babies for months and years on end, if we so choose, and I believe every mom should have the right to breastfeed anytime, anywhere.

That being said, I’m really sick of hearing about it.

Other than “How’s the baby sleeping?” the number one question other parents, and especially other moms, have asked me since my daughter was born has been, “Are you breastfeeding?” I remember one particularly awkward conversation with an older mom I know, who after finding out I did indeed breastfeed, began reminiscing about how much she loved breastfeeding her own children.

“Isn’t the bond it gives you amazing?” she asked.

To which I sheepishly replied, “Yeah… sure…” And promptly changed the subject, leaving her a bit confused. It was a sentiment I would hear moms repeat again and again, but one that I could never echo.

Because here’s the thing. There’s more than one way to breastfeed a baby.

This woman was gushing about nursing, something that my daughter and I never quite figured out. A C-section for me and a brief stint in the NICU for my baby completely up-ended my idea of breastfeeding. I began pumping hours after my daughter was born, an unpleasant and grueling task that nonetheless gave me a goal and something to focus on while I waited helplessly to be able to see and hold my brand new baby. I figured I’d pump breast milk until we could establish a nursing relationship, but after countless attempts, tons of tears, and way too much money spent on lactation consultants, it just never happened.

So the pumping I thought would be a stopgap measure has turned into an every day thing, and I’ve somehow failed to bond with the little machine that lives on my nightstand. Spending two hours a day hooked up to a device that is basically nipple torture is not my idea of a good time (but hey, no judgment if it’s yours), and yet I’m still doing it. There are many reasons for that, including:

  1. I believe it’s beneficial to my daughter.
  2. I enjoy eating the extra 500 calories a day.
  3. I want to prove those who say what I’m doing isn’t good enough wrong.

I was always under the impression that “breast is best” meant “breast milk is best, but formula is also a great option, but mostly just make sure you feed your kid.” That was apparently a bit naive of me, because I’ve encountered way too many people who disagree. And by people, I mean jerks.

I recently got into a Facebook spat with a somewhat famous TV show host about this (and yes, that is the most ridiculous sentence I’ve ever typed). Her argument: That those of us who don’t nurse (whether because we pump or formula feed) don’t bond with our babies as closely as those who do. Seriously? Seriously?!

As if there weren’t already enough pressure out there on moms to nurse, now some people are trying to make it about how connected we are to our children? Oh, honey, no.

This particular woman, and the many who chimed in to agree with her, professed it to be a rock-solid fact. They talked of hormones, of oxytocin, of chemical reactions. And perhaps there truly may be some scientific basis to that. I haven’t checked, because I absolutely do not care.

You know what’s more important than research and studies? Actual human moms with feelings, with hearts, with lives— all just trying to do their best.

I understand that nursing mothers have faced criticism probably forever. Thousands of years ago, I imagine there were cavemen who sent their cave-ladies off to nurse their cave-babies in private. In recent years, however, there’s been a growing push to normalize and celebrate nursing, and I do think that’s awesome— see paragraph 1. But let’s not have it be at the expense of those of us who can’t or don’t.

The way I’ve chosen to feed my baby doesn’t define me as a mother, and it most definitely does not define our bond. You might be able to measure the rise and fall of hormone levels in a mom as she nurses, but you can’t measure the love in my daughter’s eyes when she gazes up at me from her bottle. You can’t measure the way her face lights up when I scoop her up for the first time each morning. You can’t measure the million different emotions she can express with her first and only word: Mama.

She’s the only one who gets to weigh in on our bond, and I’m confident she has no complaints.

*****

About the Author

Kristina Johnson is a new mom, writer, and TV producer living in New York City. She loves her daughter deeply but can admit that she wouldn’t mind if babies came with an off-switch. Her interests include books, Netflix, and coming up with snarky responses to people who ask when she’s having baby #2. She blogs regularly at thatmommylady.com.