Winning at marriage. People will tell you that marriage isn’t a competition. Those people are probably on your significant other’s team. Don’t listen to them. Marriage can be won, and it should be won. Below is an outline of one day when I won my marriage. Please take notes and apply where possible to your daily life. Every day is a new opportunity to win.

Step one: ABC (Always Be Complaining)

Self explanatory. I do this by habit anyway. Thank goodness I can finally claim it has an additional purpose. Otherwise, I would just be a whiney wife who complains all the time. Now I can be a whiney winning spouse who complains often. See how one sounds way more appealing? I knew you were smart enough to see that just from looking at you.

Step two: It’s never our fault.

This can be tricky at first. For example, today the following occurred: I was digging through the closet above my head. Things fell down and a wooden something fell on my big toe. It hurt so bad. There were tears. Those embarrassing “I can’t believe I’m crying like a three-year-old with a boo boo” tears, or I think I’ve also seen it referred to as “Kim Kardashian ugly cry face” tears.

How can this be anything other than my fault, you ask? I’m so glad you asked.

Here are the words that sprang forth out of my mouth to my dear husband (Ha-auto correct turned that to dead husband. You are wrong, phone- he lives!): “Well, ya know that dang wooden scroll of your brother’s we’ve had forever that I told you to give back and you said you will but didn’t? Yeah? Well, it fell on my toe!”

Totally. That is what I said. Also, I shot a look of anger with it that said, “If I could run on this gimped toe you’d be in trouble.”

You see the logic there though, right? The thing truly would not have fallen on my toe if it wasn’t there. I mean, sure, something else could have as I blindly reached and moved things around above my head with little regard for gravity. We will never know, though, because that particular thing did fall. Obviously the universe was pointing out that it should have been taken care of before this point per step one — ABC — which I had employed for months prior.

Step three: Become rational at some point in the next 24 hours in order to apologize…kind of.

Still maintain that you were probably correct, but let it slip that you may have handled it wrong.

Step four: Reconnect while watching “Call of the Wildman.”

If Turtleman is not available, Mythbusters will do.

See? Totally winning marriage. And so can you.