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Companies are so considerate when it comes to their customers, aren’t they? They even go so far as to provide customer service lines to help people troubleshoot product issues or ask questions.

So thoughtful.

If you’ve ever had the pleasure of calling customer service — doesn’t matter for what, really: laptop issues, cell phone service, internet Wi-Fi connection — you know just how helpful they can be.

Here’s how every call with customer service goes for me EVER. I’m sure you can relate.

ME: *dials 1-800 number*

CUSTOMER SERVICE: *robot voice* Para espanol, oprima numero dos. Thank you for calling [insert company name here]. Please listen carefully to the following options as they have recently changed (no they haven’t, but whatever).

• To sign up for our service, press 1. (I’m already a customer. This is CUSTOMER service, so…)
• To pay your bill, press 2.
• To check your balance, press 3.
• To add a feature, press 4.
• To hear promotional offers, press 5.
• To hear what we’re having for lunch, press 6. (The hell?)
• To hear what’s in our Netflix queue, press 7. (I’m so…)
• To listen to the entire Pink Floyd’s The Wall album, press 8. (…confused.)
• To hear our mothers scold us for not coming to Thanksgiving three years ago, press 9. (Seriously?)
• To listen to a clown sing “Home on the Range” whilst juggling hamsters, press star pound 1 pound star pound 2 pound star pound 3 and type in the first thing that comes to mind using your dial pad. Don’t think about it. Just type . (What in the fu–)
• To speak with a customer service representative, press 0. (FINALLY. Should have just done that in the first place.)

ME: *presses 0*

CUSTOMER SERVICE: *robot voice again* Thank you for calling [insert company name here]. Please listen carefully to the following options as they have recently changed (OHMYGOD, NO).

• To speak to a customer service representative regarding your bill, press 1.
• To speak to a customer service representative regarding your balance, press 2. (Why?)
• To speak to a customer service representative regarding adding a new feature, press 3. (Goddammit, I’ve already been through this!)
• To speak to a customer service representative regarding promotional offers, press 4. (UGGHH.)
• To hear a customer service representative tell you you’re pretty, press 5. (Well, I suppose that wouldn’t be too b–)
• To have a customer service representative read the entirety of Tolstoy’s War and Peace, press 6. (I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU I SWEAR ON MY CHILDREN’S LIVES.)
• To speak to a customer service representative about a problem or question you have, press 7.

ME: *violently presses 7*

CUSTOMER SERVICE: *robot voice* Thank you for calling [insert company name here]. (If this thing tells me to listen to the following options again, I can’t be responsible for–) Please say what it is you are calling about after the tone. *beep*

ME: Technical problem with [insert product name here].

CUSTOMER SERVICE: *robot voice* Thank you. I heard you say, “Technorati population with [insistent mama duck mane fear].” Is that correct?

ME: No. Technical problem with [insert product name here].

CUSTOMER SERVICE: *robot voice* OK. I heard you say, “Ten freckles mob them with [sweatshirt adjunct frame tear].” Is that correct?

ME: NO. No, that is not correct. Technical-problem-with-[insert-product-name-here].

CUSTOMER SERVICE: *robot voice* OK. I heard you say, “Spectacle fob men with [big flirt odd muck train beer].” Is that correct?

ME: FUCK YOU GO TO HELL AND BURN FOR A THOUSAND ETERNITIES I HATE YOU.

CUSTOMER SERVICE: I’m sorry. I’m having trouble understanding you. Please hold for a customer service representative. (I THOUGHT THAT’S WHAT I WAS ALREADY DOING.) *Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” blares through the receiver*

5 MIN LATER: *music stops* (Yay! A real live person!) *robot voice* Thank you for–(NOOOOOOO!)–holding. A customer service representative will be with you shortly. *Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” resumes. Again.*

15 MIN LATER: *music stops* (Please please please be a real person.) *robot voice* Thank you for–(GODDAMMIT.) … *Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” plays for the fourth time* (Don’t they have any other music besides this? FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY.)

45 MIN LATER: *music stops* (If it isn’t a real person this time, I’m going to kill myself. I really am. With this kitchen knife. This dull, serrated kitchen knife.) *cheerful voice* Hello, my name is Amber. How may I help you today?

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ME: Oh my God, really? Amber? Are you real, Amber? You’re real, aren’t you? Oh, I love you so much, Amber. I really do. OK, so I’m having trouble getting my [insert product name here] to work properly. I’ve tried everything — read through the owner’s manual, consulted the FAQ on your website — everything. Can you help me?

AMBER: Sure thing. I’m happy to help. Have you consulted the owner’s manual?

ME: *pause* Uh, yeah. As I stated, I have consulted the owner’s manual and the FAQ on the website, and still nothing works.

AMBER: I see. All right, then. Have you consulted the FAQ on our website?

ME: *pause* *longer pause* Amber, yes. I have already told you that, Amber. I have told you twice that I’ve consulted everything, including the FAQ on the website. I really need you to work with me here, Amber.

AMBER: I see. All right, then. We ask that customers carefully consult the owner’s manual and the FAQ on our website as most issues can be resolved easily by doing so.

ME: …

AMBER: So if you haven’t already, you should carefully consult both of those resources.

ME: ARE YOU LISTENING TO ANYTHING I’M SAYING, AMBER? I HAVE CONSULTED THOSE RESOURCES CAREFULLY, AMBER. CAREFULLY. THE ANSWER TO MY PROBLEM IS NOT THERE. I NEED YOU TO HELP FIX MY PROBLEM, AMBER.

AMBER: I see. All right, then. Please hold while I transfer you to our technical support department.

ME: What? No, Amber, please! I thought you were technical support. *begins sobbing* Please don’t put me on hold, Amber, please do–

CUSTOMER SERVICE: *robot voice* Please hold for a customer service representative. *Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” blares through the receiver on repeat* (I want to die. Right now. I want to die a painful, hideously gruesome death.)

1 HOUR AND 25 MIN LATER: *music stops* (I don’t even care anymore…) *cheerful voice* Hello, my name is Brian. How may I help you today?

ME: *doubled over, head resting limply in hand, cheeks smooshed up into eye* Hi, Brian. I’m having a problem with my [insert product name here]. Please don’t ask me if I’ve consulted the owner’s manual or the FAQ on the website. Amber asked me that, like, a million times already. I have. Nothing works. Please help.

BRIAN: *chuckles* No worries. I won’t ask you about that. What seems to be the trouble?

ME: [insert trouble details here]

BRIAN: No problem. I can help you fix that right away. (Really? Brian’s helpful. I like Brian.) Good news is, it’s a very easy fix. We’ll have you up and running in no time. All you have to do is–*connection with Brian cuts out* 

ME: *bolting upright* Brian? Hello? Are you there, Brian? Please be there, Brian. You were saying the solution is easy, and all I have to do is… What, Brian? What do I have to do, Brian? BRIAN?!?!

*silence* *long silence*

CUSTOMER SERVICE: *robot voice* Para espanol, oprima numero dos. Thank you for calling [insert company name here]. Please listen carefully to the following options as they have recently changed…

ME: JESUS NO MOTHERFUCKING SON OF A BITCH WHY GOD WHY I WILL DESTROY THE EARTH NOBODY GETS TO LIVE.

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