By Kristine Laco of Mum Revised
Daphne, a 15-year-old girl in 10th grade, was recently diagnosed with torn oblique muscles and a chronic twitch that appears to not be related to any nervous system condition, such as Tourette’s Syndrome. The source of this condition can only be described as ‘ducking violently and often.’
Daphne’s mother, Kristine, described the household in detail in her hospital admittance report:
“Having the same characteristics or qualities as, similar to, having the same characteristics or qualities as, similar to, having the same characteristics or qualities as, similar to,” the report continued. According to Daphne, this phrase is all her mother can, like, say anymore.
“My Mom is, like, obvi, like, whacked out. She, like, says this, like, phrase that, like, drives me crazy. Something about, like, similar to, like, the quality of, like, character. I, like, don’t know what it, like, means,” Daphne continued while texting. “She keeps, like, trying to swing, like, crap at my head. I, like, can’t even.”
This reporter noted that when Daphne, in fact, said the word “like,” she had an involuntary duck and twitch, followed by a groan of pain that she seemed unfazed by as she concentrated on something apparently important on her phone.
The doctors at Toronto’s Grace Hospital told us this is not the first case they have seen of these injuries presenting together in teens.
“Generally we review these cases while the patient is using their phone. It allows us the quiet we need to determine a course of action,” Dr Simile said. “We have named this new adolescent syndrome the Like Duck Now Syndrome. LDNS for short,” he continued. “We have determined that the teens are bracing for impact when they talk, specifically, when they say the word ‘like’ as a sentence filler.”
“My Mom is, like, always trying to, like, get me to slow down and, like, stop using the, like, word ‘like.’ I don’t even, like, say it that much,” Daphne added. “She should, like, hear my, like, friends. They are, like, sorry, BRB,” and that was the end of Daphne’s comments.
This reporter tried to get a statement from Kristine but found her catatonic, with nothing but an occasional twitch to ensure she was breathing.
Other teens in the emergency department suffering the same injuries have left in stiff back braces, helmets, shoulder pads, and kevlar vests. So far no permanent cure for LDNS has been found except removing the parent from the home, which, the parents interviewed in the emergency department waiting room for this article agree, is just not going to happen.
As a side note, we uncovered that leaving teens at home alone might cause damage to the property. We can only assume it is because of the violent twitching from LDNS that is causing this phenomenon.
Hospital emergency rooms are bracing for an influx of LDNS cases this Father’s Day weekend as families expect some peace and quiet and can’t handle the constant “likes.” The hospital often sees an increase in admittance around holidays, weekends, and school breaks. We saw one emergency room nurse wheeling around a medical trolley full of construction-grade headphones.
A solution must be found and soon.
A version of this post was first published on Mum Revised.
About the Author
Kristine Laco shares her stories at MumRevised.com with a splash of sarcasm and a pinch of bitch. She lives in the Toronto area and is a stay-at-home mother of two kids aged 14 and 12 and a fur-baby. Her middle finger is her favorite. You can find more from her on Facebook and Twitter.