By MockMom Contributors
We caught up with your favorite Disney princesses to see what ‘Happily Ever After’ really looks like:
Pocahontas
Her children paint with all the colors of the wind. As usual, she has to clean it up. “Fuck craft time,” she whispers under her breath as she scrapes glitter-glue off of the teepee.
Even though she’s annoyed, she’ll still post a happy Facebook photograph of the kids doing artwork because her natural parenting groups are way into homeschooling, tree hugging, and bringing the measles back with their anti-vaccination agenda.
John Smith isn’t nearly as hot now that he’s lost his blond hair, gained 45 lbs, and given her syphilis. Also, his voice reminds everyone of a certain cringe-worthy, anti-semitic actor. Her father told her it wasn’t going to work out. She hates when her father is right.
Cinderella
We caught up with Cinderella (who goes by Ella now) in Los Angeles, where she works as a celebrity stylist.
“Honestly, it feels like a lifetime ago,” said Ella, sipping her cosmopolitan. “My first marriage was a trainwreck. We were way too young and naive to get married. And I was doing A LOT of acid back then.
“Besides, we hardly even knew each other! Our connection was mostly physical, although you wouldn’t believe the things he wanted to do to my feet,” she said, looking away and shuddering slightly.
“Anyway, I’m with Harold now. He’s a plastic surgeon, you know. And a friend of a friend of the Kardashians. Not that I’m all about wealth and status! HAHAHAHA! Oh my, so funny. In case you can’t tell from all the Botox, I’m laughing and smiling.”
Ariel
Ariel is still married to Eric but they have recently decided to separate. “He says he liked me better when I talked less. Can you believe that? He also eats seafood all the time, which is pretty fucked up when you think about it.
“I’ve been on Tinder for a few weeks now and the prospects are really depressing. Sometimes I think life was just so much simpler when I had fish genitalia. You know what I mean?”
Aurora
“It’s five o’clock somewhere,” Aurora whispers to herself as she throws back a glass of her favorite pinot.
She’s become every cliche she’d ever read about moms. Employing massive amounts of caffeine every morning to survive the chaos, sporting yoga pants even though she’s never once downward-dogged, and treating herself to wine. Lots and lots of wine.
Unlike most royalty, she and Prince Phillip decided to live a simpler life in the cottage where she’d been raised by the fairies as a small girl. It seemed so idyllic at the time, but now that she’s drowning in dirty, mismatched socks, she’s wondering where the hell her fairy godmother is. A servant, wet-nurse, and personal chef would come in handy, too.
Meanwhile, her prince charming constantly complains about his daily commute to the kingdom to assist with the royal duties. It drives her nuts he doesn’t appreciate the silence he gets to indulge in daily. She’d give anything to enjoy a moment of peace or listen to Beyonce’s latest single without four children howling like they’re wild animals in the background.
In her most desperate moments she’s even thought about pricking her finger to restore the curse that she’d been put under so many years ago. What she wouldn’t give for that kind of deep sleep these days.
Now, each night, she scours Craigslist for antique spindles while binge-watching episodes of The Bachelor. A girl can dream.
Jasmine
Jasmine’s life is anything but magical. In an attempt to keep her girls from becoming spoiled little princesses, Jasmine asked the governess to incorporate gratitude into their daily routines and even hired a private mindfulness guru to teach in tandem with their yoga instructor.
But somehow her teenage daughters turned into a harem of hyper-critical, entitled brats anyway. They’re all, “I’m not sharing my pet tiger with her!” “Why can’t we each get our own?” and “Why can’t we get a chauffeur for the magic carpet? It’s not like we can’t afford it!”
She and Ali thought having a bigger family would spare them the loneliness they felt growing up, but now it seems like there is always someone around. It was hard enough to feel sexy again after all those C-section scars left her unable to wear low-waisted harem pants, but now she and Ali can’t even get a minute alone together! So instead, she spends her days sipping Arak and looking through photo albums of herself in that skimpy red outfit while Ali is out monkeying around and the girls are with their tutor.
Elsa
Elsa suffers from PTSD as a result of an abusive past. Her parents refused to seek traditional medical care after a childhood accident nearly killed her sister. Instead, they locked Elsa in a single room for years. She doesn’t like building snowmen but had to build one anyway. She also wrote a touching song about anxiety so severe it borders on Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.
Rather than help her seek mental health care, she was treated like a pariah and hunted by a prince with anti-social personality disorder. Everyone acted all fucking surprised when she freaked out a little. Once forgiven, she built an ice skating rink for the village.
Mulan
You’ll bring honor to us all. Please bring honor to us all… That goddamn song again. It was always in Mulan’s head. As she sat in the tiny lobby, waiting for her job interview as a part-time editor at the local newspaper, it played loud and clear. The list of things she had accomplished would just never be enough.
When she saw the job posting, she longed to put herself out in the workforce again. She wanted to be respected for her brain and writing skills. She really just longed for those 10 minutes in the car, by herself, to and from work.
And now she sat facing a disheveled man, of nearly 60, looking confused and not at all sorry for assuming the woman he had been emailing had been a man. “You never mentioned you had a husband. Do you have kids? Working mothers really struggle maintaining careers, and, jeez, you haven’t worked in four years. Are you sure you could handle this?”
Mulan let him finish his rant and then asked, “Would you ask these questions if I were a man? What makes Mr. Li so different from Mrs. Li?”
He seemed taken aback, but not at a loss for an answer. “Of course not! A man would have a wife at home to take care of things while he earned a paycheck.”
And with that, Mulan settled a gender discrimination lawsuit for $25,000, hired a part-time nanny, started a blog, and worried less about honor and focused more on being the badass bitch she had always been.
Merida
Merida lives in a small cottage in Scotland, where she’s a stay-home “mum” to triplet girls (apparently triplets run in her family).
“How am I doin? Well, I have THREE 3-year-old lasses. How do you THINK I’m doin, ya eejit? I mean, I NEVER would’ve gotten inseminated if I thought I’d end up raising three of these buggers on me own.
“FUCK!” she screamed, tripping over a pink princess training potty. “I’ll tell you what, all of them learning to use the loo at once is a proper pain. And yes, I’m aware of the smell. I just keep trying to tell meself it’ll get better when they can finally wipe the shite from their own arses.
“But that might just be the sleep deprivation talking, since I haven’t slept in about three years…COCKWOMBLE…What was I saying?”
Belle
After 10 years of marriage, Belle no longer finds Beast’s emo intensity attractive. She now realizes the man who once seemed refreshing and broody is actually just depressing and moody. She often thinks to herself, “Am I really going to have to put up with his melodramatic shit the rest of my life?”
Yet she stays with him because she wants to walk into her 20-year high school reunion and smugly ask the former popular girls, “Who’s voted ‘Most Likely to Marry a Prince’ now, bitches?”
What they don’t know is that she finds herself looking up the one that got away on social media. Six or seven strapping sons with that hunk is sounding pretty good right about now. Too bad he’s trapped in some sort of polygamous marriage, according to his profile:
Rapunzel
You might remember her long, long, long flowing hair or her plucky personality, but these days, this mother-of-five is lucky if she has time for a shower and a ponytail in between helping to care for her brood and running Corona’s famous Snuggly Duckling Pub.
Some days Rapunzel felt almost as trapped in the castle as she did in the tower. “I thought the pub thugs were bad when I met them, but those guys are a bunch of teddy bears compared to the ruffians I gave birth to! Some days you want to hold them in your arms forever and other days you want to lock them up in a tower. *ahem* That was a joke.”
Freed of her tower (and over 70 feet of hair), Rapunzel has made quite a name for herself and the pub. She brews and sells her own elixir there, which is billed as a kind of fountain of youth. Guaranteed to make you look and feel younger, you can drink it, take a bath in it, wash your hair with it, or just rub it on your skin. It has any number of applications and uses.
If you’re willing, you can host a party where a representative will come to your house and demonstrate its purportedly magical properties. You can also buy a starter kit and sign up to be an Independent Product Consultant and sell the elixir yourself.
Between running a pub and a successful multi-level marketing system–oh, and being a princess–Rapunzel is clearly in the prime of her life.
Snow White
Snow White declined our request for an interview, but did emphasize the importance of talking to your kids about consent.
*****
Special thanks to the following contributors/authors:
Rhiannon Giles of Rhiyaya.com, Kari of My Questionable Life, Crystal Lowery of Creepy Ginger Kid, Melanie Madamba of The Not So Super Mom, Joanna McClanahan of Ramblin’ Mama, Karen Johnson of The 21st Century SAHM, Amber Leventry of AmberLeventry, Anna Gracia of TheSnarkyReviewer.com