By Shya Gibbons of Vintage Dreams With A Modern Twist
Some of you have been with us for decades, but we have a few new dads here. Perhaps they know of the club because their fathers are card-carrying members, and I wanted to add a little refresher course to the annual letter.
I want to remind all members what we stand for as an organization. DOC (Dads Of Couches) has been around since the couch was invented. There are tribal markings in archaic cave systems that show a long, flat surface with grooves worn down into it, suggesting that since the beginning of creation, men have found a spot to relax. While the women ran around after the children, the men sat on their asses, chiseling crude hieroglyphics onto the walls. Apparently the comfort of the couches has changed drastically, but the brains of the men sitting in them still appreciate stick figures drawn into compromising positions.
As a group, our core focus is to perpetuate the stereotype that men sit on the couches while women run around. While most view this as sexist, we know that by remaining in one spot, we have the ultimate advantage. Sure, we can yell at the kids, and we frequently do, but our children know that if we get up, that’s bad news for them.
Being a member of this club is not just about a laminated card with your name, age, and couch preference (I enjoy a leather recliner). It is not about a decal for your car depicting a couch that only members will recognize. You have entered into a legacy. We are a brotherhood of couch masters. For new members, please note that we find the term ‘couch potato’ offensive and degrading. We are masters of a refined craft, a craft that walks a fine line between lazy and powerful. You aren’t some slob sitting on a couch in a den. You, sir, are the master of your kingdom. Sit high on your throne.
We have recently moved some percentages around that change how your dues are broken up. With your yearly membership of $200, we offer the service of a 24/7 hotline. Members can call in with questions that will be fielded by members who have at least two decades of experience with DOC. Here are a few of the most frequently asked questions and how they are answered:
1. “My wife is unhappy that my children were arguing in front of me and she had to come into the room to stop it, and then was angry that I did not handle the fight.” You are teaching your children that someone won’t always be there to back them up. They have to learn to stand up for themselves.
2. “You’ve been watching football for ten hours straight. I want to spend time with you.” Listen, men, there are some fights that are not worth fighting. Turn off the game and offer a date night similar to the ones you used to have. Get the kids to bed, pop some popcorn, and get back on your couch with your favorite girl. This one is a win-win.
A portion of your membership money has been allocated towards a scientific study which supports our hypothesis that a father yelling from the couch is an effective and strong method. Furthermore, the study proves that dads are taken more seriously when they are yelling from the couch. The 700-page study can be viewed on our website, but the gist is that when a father is on the couch, his place of power, his voice displays the seriousness with which he is yelling at the children. Our research facility is hard at work to prove a second theory that the ‘False Start’ technique is equally as effective as yelling.
The ‘False Start’ is where you have exercised the three strike rule; your children were warned three times to stop what they are doing. After three strikes, employ the ‘False Start.’ Do not raise your voice. Calmly, but firmly, say, “That’s it.” Then pull your recliner into the upright position, place your hands beside you, and make a motion as though you plan to stand up. The studies have shown thus far that the verbal command, coupled with the slight movement, will make the children retreat, possibly to a different room.
Women are magnificent and have countless tools in their arsenal to use. The aforementioned methods are our tools. Do not overuse the three strikes policy or the ‘False Start.’ After so many times of it being deployed, it will lose its effectiveness.
The study also shows that outsiders do not understand how effective and valuable DOC members are. They call us derogatory names like “couch potato” or “a sack of shit sitting on the couch with your hand down your pants like you’re Al Bundy.”
Several DOC members have had spouses warn them, “If you sit there any longer you’re going to turn into a couch.” Is that supposed to be a threat? Because from every DOC member I have spoken with, all of them agree that it would be their wildest dream come true. I hope I do turn into a fucking couch, Karen. You literally just made it even more appealing with your ludicrous statement. What will they tell us next? If we make a silly face our face will freeze like that forever? It did not work when we were 5-years-old and it will not work now.
I can sit on my couch and relax while I watch the children play. They listen to me more frequently than when their mother yells, so I do not see what the big deal is with the group. We are just a couple of guys doing what we love to do: sit in a comfortable spot, relax, and parent when necessary.
CEO of DOC
About the Author
Shya Gibbons is a full-time CEO (also called a stay-at-home-mom) to a precocious, blue-eyed two-year-old, and runs the blog Vintage Dreams With A Modern Twist. She is happily married to a gorgeous man who doubles as her best friend, and who loves her even on her worst days. She was born, raised and still lives in a picturesque small town where she has stacked up hundreds of bylines at the local newspaper. When she is not writing for fun, she likes to cook big dinners and bake. In her free time she likes to binge watch seasons of shows at a time where she gets far too attached to fictional characters. Her work was recently featured in I Just Want To Be Perfect, the fourth book in an anthology that has been on the New York Times Best Sellers. You can find more of her work on Facebook.