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Chocolate Saves Lives, Says New Study

Chocolate Saves Lives, Says New Study

By Allison Alter of A Tale of Two Mommies

Eating copious amounts of chocolate prevents familial homicides, claims an exciting new study published by a renowned Swiss research group. It is one of the few established causalities in the social sciences with enormous implications for the entire field. One of the researchers stated that “while the positive attributes of dark chocolate antioxidants were described some time ago, no one expected to find evidence resulting in such profound implications for humanity.”

The study included 200 parents with diverse aged children living in the family home. The research body operationalized homicidal tendencies by the intensity of “stink eye” directed toward their wayward children. In the confines of a safe environment, parents were asked to complete a self-care task of their choice that included browsing the internet or reading a book while their blessed cherubs destroyed the room housing breakable brick-a-brack and light fabrics.

To ensure child motivation, the youth were encouraged to consume Mountain Dew and their choice of sugar delicacy. The children were provided with an array of paints and annoyingly destructive art supplies including feathers and glitter, as well as Legos and other toys, designed to remind parents of the existence of Satan, in the form of sharp objects buried in the rug.

The parent control group was offered water but no other consumable substance while their children went bananas. The test group enjoyed the finest chocolate delicacies the country had to offer. Universally, the group eating the chocolate had noticeably lower heart rates and no visible sweating; stink eye glares were minimal and lacked the tenacity of the control group. Unlike the control group, test group parents completed their self-care task with little interruption.

One parent was dumbfounded at the seemingly endless free internet games available while another managed to purchase a full wardrobe from multiple sites. Several parents exhausted YouTube’s collection of cat videos, moving onto goats on trampolines. At one point the parents eating chocolate looked up as their children vaulted off the furniture, shrugged their shoulders and resumed their online activities.

Two-thirds of test group parents marveled that they managed to read and answer all of their emails, including the ones they spent months avoiding. The parents opting to read books had visible tears after completing a chapter in one sitting. Several test parents managed to finish long overdue needle and small construction/DIY projects.

One mother stated, “I didn’t finish this baby blanket in time for my second child, or even for my best friend’s kids, but my sister-in-law will have it for her first, and I’m so grateful. This thing has been hanging out on a shelf, taunting me for years!”

It was a different story from the control group participants, who requested antacids and pain relievers throughout the session. Many parents began to develop a noticeable twitch watching children who “know better” smear glue on every inanimate surface and wipe paint residue on a beige fabric chair. Some parents only ceased yelling at their offspring because their voices gave out under the strain of constant reprimands. Within a few minutes, some parents began sobbing, and still more rose to stand in the corner hoping to tune out the room happenings.

Researchers asked follow-up questions of the parents, removing themselves the best they could from the situation. Apparently, each one attempted to visit a “happy place” described as a time before the birth of their children.

Upon leaving, many parents among the test group thanked the researchers for a lovely time, as their children oozed out of the room in a vibrating cluster indicative of an impending sugar crash. Researchers overheard most control group parents issuing threats that their children would not see daylight until they were university ready, as well as preventing participating children from seeing their next birthdays.

“We are absolutely delighted,” commented one researcher. “Imagine the significance!” The team discussed that they expected chocolate consumption had positive effects but did not anticipate the overwhelming behavioral changes and mood elevation among the study participants.

While this study is new, the group predicts the results will have an overwhelming effect. Certainly, child rearing has the potential to be a less stressful experience, with an increase in children surviving until adulthood, but secondary benefits are the contributions parents can make to society at large. Unimpinged caregivers allow for the capacity for creation.

As a final thought, one researcher commented, “Who knows the future Nobel work possible with a few truffles and almond bark a day.” Her peers nodded in agreement, solemn in their sincerity, but the excitement was palpable.

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About the Author

Since the birth of my son, my diversity of hats is far reaching and overlapping. Obviously my role as wife, mother, and daughter are pivotal, but I can claim other, equally important identities that form my existence and ambitions. I’m a special educator by trade. More specifically, I’ve worked in various capacities with at-risk, delinquent, and incarcerated adolescents and adults. I am a licensed social worker, and try to incorporate these values to improve the world around me even if I do not strictly work in the field. I record my mommying life in a blog, as well as create short stories and essays when inspiration strikes. I also organize a parent’s social group, as well as maintain a Facebook Page and Twitter account. Finally, I volunteer for an agency providing rehabilitative programming for the Department of Corrections.