MockMom

Build-A-Bear Introduces Beast Character to Haunt Your Dreams

By MockMom Contributors

If you’re looking for the right gift to say, “I love you and will also maybe lock you in a dungeon and/or steal your soul,” or if you’ve just wondered what would happen if Teddy Ruxpin fucked a goat, we’ve got the perfect stuffed animal for you!

Straight from this year’s Stockholm Syndrome Collection, we’re proud to present the Beast from Beauty and the Beast:

The Beast comes with dark brown fur, signature horns, and a Nickelback-inspired, raggedy goatee. His hand, casually waving, as if to say, “See you in hell!” He also comes with sad, sloth eyes he could have stolen from Ed Sheeran, and you’ll feel his stare burn into your soul all through the night.

The Beast can also be dressed in his signature ballroom outfit for a complete “18th century composer” look that includes an ascot (for when you want the human you trafficked to see your gentlemanly side) and ruffle detailing on his sleeves which says, “I’m not gay! And I’ll prove it by holding this young maiden hostage.”

He also has two special emblems on his paw pads (for when you’re formal enough to wear a waistcoat, but not considerate enough to wear shoes on your ungroomed beast feet).

Additional accessories include:

  • Chloroform-scented rose
  • Optional, Personalized Build-A-Sound Message A deep, raspy voice that says catchphrases like, “You’re my prisoner,” “I will make you love me,” and “Oh, and I’M AN ANIMAL.”
  • Optional, Personalized Build-A-SONG Message We encourage you to try our custom song, “Tale as old as time, tune as old as song. Bittersweet and strange, how my drink it changed, God, that’s mighty strong.” (Although a variety of Black Sabbath albums to play backwards are also available.)
  • Optional Exorcism kit

You can complete your collection with bestiality-friendly Belle:

Belle is a cat? Bear? Cat-bear? Either way, what’s important is that THEY’RE STILL NOT THE SAME SPECIES. Belle comes with a gold dress and the kind of mullet you’d expect from someone who doesn’t have access to the outside world. And Beast looks like he’s about to grab her by the bear-pussy.

Enjoy the entire collection today!
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Frequently Asked Questions:

What happens if I leave the Beast alone with my drink?

When you wake up in his dungeon, you’ll be singing, “I think there’s something there that wasn’t there before.” Spoiler: It’s an animal STD.

Are there additional Beast costumes available?

Not at this time, but his pants come in three different sizes: “tight,” “tighter,” and “David Bowie in Labyrinth.”

Does it always stare at you like that?

Yes. And if you stare at it for too long, you may start to feel your soul escaping your body. This is totally normal.

Is this the ‘Mark of the Beast’ as described in Revelations?

Maybe. But if you assemble the snout part upside down, it will look exactly like The End of Days.

Should I be frightened right now? Because I feel frightened.

Everything should be fine as long as you DO NOT go to the West Wing. (Other things not allowed in the West Wing include common sense, CNN, normal-sized hands, democracy, or basic human decency.)

Can it procreate?

Not that we’re aware of but, just in case, to help control the beast population, we suggest you pay an extra $10 for a stop at the Build-A-Bear spay/neuter station.

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Special thanks to the following contributors:

Crystal Lowery of Creepy Ginger Kid, Joanna McClanahan of Ramblin’ Mama, and  Tina Steele of The Tina Situation