By Joanna McClanahan of Ramblin’ Mama
In case you missed it last Friday, here is the full transcript of Trump’s inaugural address:
“We, the citizens of America, are now joined in a yuge national effort to rebuild this piece of shit country and to restore its promise for old, white people.
“We will face challenges. The best challenges. Challenges like you have never seen. But we will get the job done.
“Today we are not merely transferring power from one administration to another, or from one party to another, or from an intelligent person to a narcissistic man-baby — but we are transferring power from Washington, D.C. and giving it back to you, the American People. [Edit: People say I stole this from Bane, but who’s to say he didn’t steal it from me?]
“For too long, a small group of non-taxpaying billionaires have reaped the rewards of government while the people have borne the cost. Washington flourished, but the people did not share in their wealth. Politicians prospered, but the jobs left, and the factories closed.
“The establishment protected itself. Their baseball caps, such as the one I’m wearing now, weren’t even made in America. They were made in China, Vietnam, and Bangladesh.
“That all changes — starting right here, and right now, because this moment is your moment: it belongs to you. And I am in no way saying that just because it sounds good and have no plans to follow through.
“This will be remembered as the day the people became the rulers of this nation again. Except for the half of you who didn’t vote. And except the majority of those who did, having voted for what’s-her-face. The forgotten men and women of our country will be forgotten no longer.
“Everyone is listening to you now. Unless I disagree with you, in which case you’re just a bunch of haters and losers.
“Mothers and children trapped in poverty in our inner cities. I assume they are trapped because why would anyone choose to live there? Rusted-out factories scattered like tombstones across the landscape of our nation. So many tombstones. What they say, I can’t be sure. Reading has never really been my thing.
“An education system flush with cash, but which leaves our young and beautiful students deprived of knowledge. And I’m not just talking about Trump University. I’m talking about a system that has failed many and arguably has led to my election as President.
“This American carnage stops right here and stops right now. And that sounds reasonable and not hyperbolic in any way.
“The oath of office I take today is an oath of allegiance to all Americans. Like I said, except the haters and the losers. Or the fatties. Or everyone who is a 6 or below.
“From this moment on, it’s going to be America first. Because if it isn’t the best, I will strongly consider leaving it for a younger, hotter country.
“We will follow two simple rules: Buy American and hire American. Like I said, these are new rules I just now made up because the majority of Trump manufacturing is done overseas. But we have the best Americans. Bigly.
“The Bible tells us, ‘How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity.’ I realize that for those who actually pay attention to my words and actions, that may have made you throw up a little in your mouths.
“We must speak our minds openly, debate our disagreements honestly, but always pursue solidarity. Unless you make fun of me, then I will strongly consider waterboarding you in a Turkish prison. I’m looking at you, Lorne Michaels.
“We will no longer accept politicians who are all talk and no action — constantly complaining but never doing anything about it. These loser-haters who never bother to reveal any actual specifics of their plans. They just run off of exploiting the fears of others. Sad!
“Our country will somehow manage to claw its way from the depths of hell to thrive and prosper again.
“So to all Americans, from the literate ones to the people who don’t read so good, in every city near and far, small and large, from mountain to mountain, from hilltop to other hilltops, from rising sea levels to rising sea levels, hear these words:
“You will never be ignored again. Unless you’re wrong, in which case I will totally ignore you like I do the LAMEstream media.
“Together, we will make America strong again. I have a long series of misspelled tweets in mind which should help.
“We will make America wealthy again. Or at least keep the billionaires in my cabinet as wealthy as they already are.
“We will make America proud again. We will make America safe again. Like I’ve said before, I don’t have to do any of this. I’m doing it out of the kindness of my heart.
“And yes, together, we will make America great again, just like this Chinese hat says. By the way, make sure to pick one up on your way out. No, seriously, it’s mandatory now. Thank you. God bless you and God bless America.”
About the Author
Joanna McClanahan is an Editor at Mock Mom. She’s also a Contributor at Sammiches & Psych Meds and has been published on Scary Mommy. You can find more from her on RamblinMama.com, Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.