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Anti-Vaxxer Upset Over Boycott of Kids’ Birthday Party

Anti-Vaxxer Upset Over Boycott of Kids' Birthday

By Kathleen Gordon of Middletini

A local mother, Stephanie Sheldon, was fuming today when not a single guest turned up to her 3-year-old twins’ birthday party.

“This totally sucks,” Sheldon fumed. “I invited all the kids from the neighborhood, and not one of their parents would bring them.” Sheldon heaved a sigh. “Pussies,” she added. Sheldon believes her neighbors have shunned her family because she and her husband, Gil, do not believe in vaccinating their children.

“There’s no evidence whatsoever that vaccines work,” said Sheldon, waving a bundle of non-peer reviewed internet articles written by people with no scientific credentials of any kind. “We prefer to let our children develop their own immunities. Is that so wrong?” Sheldon continued, pacing, “What am I supposed to tell my children?”

Sheldon’s twins, Kefir and Kombucha, whose genders Sheldon declined to disclose, played listlessly on the floor with uncarved chunks of natural forest wood, oblivious to the festive, latex-free balloons and fair-trade hemp cloth banners displaying non-licensed animal characters and ancient Mayan glyphs above a snack table laden with gluten-free tofu puffs and agave-sweetened activated quinoa “cookies.” Kefir paused periodically to let out a prolonged paroxysm of coughing while Kombucha displayed inflamed eyes and a rash.

“These people should consider themselves lucky. This is their best chance to get both whooping cough AND measles out of the way. Ungrateful bastards,” Sheldon said. “I should have known when they refused to attend my polio party last year. I guess they want their kids to get autism.”

When reached for comment at the local playground, the other parents in Sheldon’s former playgroup were unequivocal. “She’s a crazy-ass bitch,” said Lynn Stanton, mother of Henry, 3. “We kicked her out of playgroup last year when we learned she was refusing to vaccinate her kids.”

“Well, we also thought she was sanctimonious and annoying, but our kids liked her kids,” added Allison Lazar, whose daughter, Chelsea, caught chicken pox during a playdate at Sheldon’s house before Sheldon’s anti-vaccination stance became common knowledge. “I couldn’t believe that any caring parent would refuse to vaccinate her children against potentially life-threatening and disfiguring diseases, much less that she would then actively seek to infect other people’s children and think she’s doing us a goddamn favor.”

On her part, Sheldon was unrepentant. “They’ll see. My Kefir and Kombucha will go to Yale because their brains aren’t being poisoned with thimerosal, and their kids will all end up working in public relations. That’ll show those assholes.”

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About the Author

Kathleen Gordon is a working single mom who uses inappropriate humor as a defense mechanism. At her blog, Middletini, she writes about trying to navigate through her 40s without losing her damn mind. She has been published on The Huffington Post, Mamapedia, MockMom, and in the anthology Surviving Mental Illness Through Humor. Please follow Kathleen on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.