By Crystal Lowery of Creepy Ginger Kid
In a historic release, the American Girl doll company will be selling its first boy doll: a young drummer named Logan Everett, who accompanies Nashville singer-songwriter Tenney Grant.
I’m all for gender inclusion. Hooray for equality, kudos, etc. However, at the risk of sounding irreverent, the dude is kind of creepy. Just look at this photograph of Logan staring at Tenney. If it doesn’t say, “I’m in Tenney’s friend zone,” I don’t know what does:
I haven’t seen the advertisement for Logan “Friend Zone” Everett, but I imagine it goes a little something like this:
Meet Logan Everett! He and his pal, Tenney Grant, are country music hopefuls in Nashville, Tennessee. They met in high school when she reluctantly accepted his date to the prom, after which he was promptly relegated to the friend zone due to his raging halitosis.
Some of his best lyrics include:
“I can love you better than Rob does,”
“Gimme a chance, Penney Frant,”
and “Who will watch you sleep if I go?”
Logan is always there to lend an ear when you’ve just broken up with your boyfriend. He knows your Starbucks order and, for some reason, also knows your blood type, your social security number, and apparently your mom’s birthday because he has sent her flowers every year since 1997. It was cute at first, but it’s verging on scary at this point.
Wearing an outfit identical to Zach Braff’s in Garden State (because he knows you like that movie), his favorite bands are OAR and DMB (Dave Matthews Band). He just so happens to have an extra ticket to Dave Matthews this weekend, if you’re not busy or whatever.
His favorite show is “Whatever you want to watch. Of course I like viewing ‘Fixer Upper’ while I play with your hair. How about a shoulder massage?”
Logan claims to play Rugby, but we’ve only ever seen him play ultimate frisbee, so who knows.
Whatever you do, don’t open the folder on his computer desktop called “for her,” unless you want to see old newspaper clippings from that musical you both starred in in high school and your Ancestry DNA results.
Logan comes with cool accessories, such as:
- A tiny smartphone from which he sends “U up?” texts at 2 a.m.
- Indoor/outdoor prescription glasses that never seem to lose their tint when he goes inside
- Axe Body Spray
- A baseball hat (worn off-center)
- Sagging shorts
- Tattoo stickers
- An optional thin mustache
- A lifted truck with star decals
- Miniature tall boy can of PBR
- A tiny potty where he pees sitting down
You can pre-order Logan’s hair with the following style options: bowl cut, frosted tips, or comb over.
As a fun way to promote our first boy doll, we used digital-age, progression software to see what Logan will look like in 15 years:
So pick up Logan Everett today, before he morphs into a real douche canoe. Also, maybe try to set him up with Samantha, Kirsten or Molly so that he’ll stop drunk texting you. And, whatever you do, never leave him alone with your drink.
About the Author
Crystal Lowery is an American mom working in England. By day, she does medical research, by night she wrangles two small children, a boy and a girl. She has made millions laugh on The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, Sammiches & Psych Meds, In the Powder Room, Mumsnet and others. You can find her blogging at Creepy Ginger Kid and she’d love for you to follow her on Facebook.
(Joanna McClanahan of Ramblin’ Mama also contributed to this piece.)