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A Trump Voter’s Milestones: What to Expect Those First 1-6 Months

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A Trump Voter's Milestone Chart: What to Expect the First 1-6 Months

By Elizabeth Argyropoulos of Bourgeois Alien

What to expect from your adorable little Trump supporter during the first 1-6 months!

Time supporting Trump: 1 Month

Achieved skills (most Trump supporters can do)

  • Lifts head, but only out of spite
  • Responds to sounds, particularly to Lee Greenwood’s “Proud to be an American”
  • Poops
  • Follows objects with eyes; usually guns, American flags, or Bibles

Emerging skills (about half of Trump supporters can do)

  • Stares at faces, then punches them
  • Oohs and ahs, but in a freakish, maniacal Bond-villain kind of way
  • Can see black-and-white patterns. Like really black and white. Prefers blacks and whites separated, if possible

Advanced skills (a few Trump supporters can do)

  • (Applies to Bernie Bros only) Holds head at 45-degree angle and yells, “I used to support Bernie; NOW I support Trump. If you vote for Hillary, you’re sheeple! Let’s burn it all down!”

Time supporting Trump: 2 Months

Achieved skills

  • Vocalizes sounds, i.e. “Build that wall!” and/or “Go back to Mexico!”
  • Follows objects, yet is unable to make connections like, “I’m poor, so why am I voting for Trump?”
  • Holds head up for short periods, then passes out after seventh Old Milwaukee

Emerging skills

  • Smiles responsively, laughs at Larry the Cable Guy
  • Movements become smoother. JK, nothing smooth about these dumpster fires

Advanced skills

  • Holds head steady, like irritatingly steady, so much so you wanna yell, “PLEASE DON’T VOTE FOR TRUMP; YOU’RE GOING TO KILL US ALL, YOU CLOWNS!” at them
  • Bears weight on legs, but only momentarily to get from seated position to car

Time supporting Trump: 3 Months

Achieved skills

  • Laughs and smiles at others’ misfortune
  • Recognizes your face and scent, then punches it
  • Blows bubbles, then immediately tasers bubbles

Emerging skills

  • Squeals, gurgles, coos, pisses pants, blames Muslims
  • Recognizes your voice, reports you to INS for outrageous foreign accent

Advanced skills

  • Turns toward loud sounds; it’s Trump
  • Can bring hands together and may bat at people with darker skin at Trump rallies

Time supporting Trump: 4 Months

Achieved skills

  • Holds head up steadily but in breathtaking ignorance
  • Coos when you talk to them, but in a really angry way
  • Does mini push-ups to build muscles to punch liberals

Emerging skills

  • Can grasp a Bible
  • Reaches out for objects; prefers things that say, “Make America Great Again” but are made in China
  • Can roll over toward Constitution

Advanced skills

  • Imitates speech sounds: baba, dada, bigly, believe me, “there’s my African American”
  • May cut first tooth, then immediately bite your face off

Time supporting Trump: 5 Months

Achieved skills

  • Can distinguish between bold colors; calls authorities to take away ethnic neighbors
  • Amuses self by playing with hands and feet

Emerging skills

  • Turns toward new sounds, then shoots them
  • Recognizes own name, but changes it to “The Donald” out of respect and also erectile dysfunction

Advanced skills

  • May sit momentarily, then fall down
  • Mouths objects
  • Stranger anxiety may begin; immediately supports Muslims being banned from US

Time supporting Trump: 6 Months

Achieved skills

  • Turns toward sounds and voices, then burns them with flame thrower
  • Rolls in both directions, but when rolling left drowns in own vomit
  • May jabber or try to combine syllables (applies only to Trump’s speech writers)

Emerging skills

  • Sits up without support, although this is usually because the blind rage never lets them lie down
  • May drag object toward self, usually a Mexican to blame for not being employed
  • Imitates sounds, but in a condescending way

Advanced skills

  • May lunge forward or start crawling (always toward your throat)
  • No matter what Trump does, says, or insinuates, they’ll vote for him. He could take their dog, set it on fire, and the advanced Trump supporter will simply say, “Welp, I’m sure he knows what he’s doing…”

A version of this post was first published on Bourgeois Alien

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About the Author

Elizabeth Argyropoulos, also known as, “Bourgeois Alien” on Twitter and on her website by the same name, has always thought of herself as funny…but not funny, “ha ha” more of a, “ha ha, wow…that’s sad” kind of way. She has a degree in English Lit and studied improv at Second City in Chicago. While living in Chicago, she met, married, and moved to Greece for a almost a decade with her perfectly loud Greek husband. While in Greece, together they produced an even louder Greek-American son. They now all live in happily Florida, where they all fear they’ll be eaten by gators or man-size mosquitoes.