Dear Dick,

I chose this salutation since it hardly seems ladylike to begin with “Dear Dickhead,” although, if we are being honest, that is exactly what you’ve been. For centuries now, it has been all about you. With the exception of the lovely Georgia O’Keeffe, who painted us as the fabulous and layered flowers that we are, we have been largely ignored — cast aside as baby shooters and love receptacles. Well, no more will we take a backseat to you and your “boys.”

You are all flash and no substance. Your construction on the body as nothing more than a hanging and dangling appendage speaks volumes. I am a part of the body — a built-in — and you are an afterthought. I’m sorry to burst your bubble…

So, penis envy? Sorry Sigmund, not this girl. Not anymore. We vaginas are standing up and making ourselves known. That’s right — with a little device, we can now stand up and take a whiz. It’s called a Vag Gadge (FUD). There will be no more poison ivy for this girl after breaking the seal on summertime camping trips.

Dick, please don’t worry about the cold and barren world now that you’ve been dissed and dismissed. I won’t hold a grudge. Would you like a hat to keep you warm in the Siberian wasteland I once occupied? Red or Blue? Shit, I can do rainbow if you’d like. Yes, that’s right — I can knit, bitch. I’m thinking of starting my own fashion line — Lady Bit Knitz.

In fact, I have so many new and amazing abilities. Not only is life brought forth from me, but now I can sustain said life with healthy yogurt which, I’m told, is delicious with blueberries. Maybe I’ll go on one of those cooking shows that are so trendy. Hell, I may even write a cookbook. The possibilities are endless.

Thanks to my many new talents, I am finally rewarding myself in a variety of ways. I can glam up with the best of them. After so much time hiding in the shadows like some sort of circus freak, I am taking this moment to shine, and I’m bringing along my friends. We can pamper ourselves with steaming, though there was one incident where the steam was just a bit too hot…ouch. It is also supposed to make for a better experience between the two of us — if I let you back into my life. And it helps with a host of other issues…

Either way, this is my time — FINALLY. I can dye my hair you know. There is even a special color line created just for me and my kind. I can shave my curly locks, let them grow, braid them, and add extensions which is especially useful and amazing in cooler climates. Basically, the world is my frigging oyster.

There are vagacials, all the rage in NYC and L.A., and I’ve even heard they get rid of ingrown hairs. Or, I can vajazzle (that’s right—we can bedazzle ourselves now). It would be a great way to prep for lady nights. Of course, that seems so half-decade ago.

The latest and greatest in jazzing up my bejenga is vatooing. Yes, I can be as badass as the boys on “Sons of Anarchy” when I get a tat airbrushed on. Tits, who also stole my thunder forever, are upset because the tit tat is so done. Tits have been labeling vaginal tats as the latest tramp stamp. I think they’re just jealous.

Not everyone is happy about my sudden rise to fame.  But, no matter. Have you heard about a little procedure called Vaginal Rejuvenation? Dick, they are naming procedures after me. I’m kinda of a big deal.

I know I sound bitter and jaded, but Dick, I have nothing but love for you. I guess I’m just writing to let you know that I’ve finally come into my own. I do hope you’ll be happy for me. Although “vagina envy” doesn’t really roll off the tongue, does it?

Dick, I don’t know what’s next for me: book deals, the Presidency (if Donald Trump has a shot, then clearly I do, too), a religious movement? But it doesn’t matter, because for the first time since the beginning of time really, I am shining like the beautiful flower that I am.

I wish you all the best. And if you send me your address, I’ll make sure to send along that hat when I have a moment. It probably won’t be this week or next, but soon — very, very soon. Siberia is cold this time of year.

Love and kindness,

Me

This post originally appeared on Suburban Shit Show.